nonsense.

i am like an ADD patient on crack right now.

my mind is running a millions miles a minute, and my fingers are just trying to keep up.

without any overwrought introduction, i am just going to dive in.

(however, i have decided to number my thoughts so, at least, on some level, they are easier to follow)

1- it is crazy to me, sometimes, how things work out. there was a commercial on tv today for these 3m hooks that you can use to hang things on the wall. they require no nails or screws and it is  even suggested in the commercial that they are perfect for dorm rooms.

which got me thinking about my own dorm room back in 2004, and the fact that i, too, used those hooks, to hold up my hairdryer and straightener in the bathroom of my dorm room when i was a freshman at texas a&m.

which then caused me to remember some key moments i had in that horrible fluorescent lit room and what the status of my life was then-- and what i thought it would turn out to be-- and what it is now.

and WHOA. never would have seen this coming. and i don't just mean where i am, but with and without whom.

the man i was with at the time is now married (not to me-- spoiler alert!), and i am living with a man i had no idea even existed at the precious time in my life when i thought i had it all figured out.

this whole thought process alone made me realize, today, how crazy life is and how much you can develop plans and expectations that will never come even remotely close to coming true. and that, before you know it, you will find yourself in a place you never expected. and neither the former or the latter are bad; they just "are".

2- i thought i was a good writer. and to be fair to myself, i am not bad. i think i am pretty capable of conveying, via the written word, a certain notion or (even) emotion. however, i have done some long form writing recently and i thought it was good. and i was wrong.

there are a lot of flaws to my long form writing skills. when i was in graduate school, i never attempted to be a "writer"; it kind of fell in my lap.

and because it did, i have operated under the gross misconception that i am good at it. and i am not. i made a lot of mistakes as a writer of long-form essay and narrative that other scholars of the craft would not. listening to the sessions at the mayborn conference confirmed this for me.

and i am humbled by finally realizing that fact. if that is really a frontier i want to traverse, i have a lot of work to do. i am not nearly as good as i thought i was; i have much to learn.

3- mosquitos suck. what is the status of west nile in the dfw area at present? i am a little concerned at this point because i am sitting outside and killing mosquitos left and right. should i be worried?

4- regardless of anything else, does a woman ever reach a point where she doesn't want to be a pretty girl?

i need to explain. long story short, i have never been a beauty queen. i have been overweight, broken out and afflicted with braces. i have been through every awkward stage imaginable without terrible memories. and by that i mean that i managed to develop a friend and support base outside of my physical (or lack thereof) acumen. simply put- i have never had friends or popularity from being pretty. my personality has carried me through every era of my life and i am happy about that. i am grateful that i know that what i have done in my life is completely as a result of who i am and nothing else.

that said, every girl wants to feel pretty and desired. and while i have had those- FLEETING- moments in my life, i am one that is remembered for more than that.

and while i appreciate that, i have not automatically been absolved of any desire to be appreciated for how i look. and that has rarely happened. in fact, my best friends in college where always desired physically more than i ever was, and as an adult, i am experiencing that same reality with my sister.

my sister has always been a babe, don't get me wrong (this is a moment where i am painfully aware that i am a bad writer, by the way), but she seems to be the one i always hear about in my adult life that makes me want to run my head into cement.

what she doesn't know is that a kid i had a HUGE crush on when i was a freshman in high school, pulled me aside one day to tell me how hot he though kelly (my sister) was, and i revisited that moment again today when a coworker pulled me aside to say the same thing. and then follow it up with an inquiry about her relationship status.

and i guess the thing here that i am writing through is two-fold. i KNOW my sister is gorgeous. she always has been. she has the teeth, the hair, the height and the effort-- by that i mean, she makes an effort to look awesome and it pays off (on a level i don't for various reasons); she has everything in place to be a wanted person. that is her and she has earned it. not only has she earned it, she has worked for it. she truly does deserve to be acknowledged for being gorgeous. because she absolutely is. and she delivers nothing less than that every time she steps out.

i guess for me, i am resigned to what i have to work with and what i have to do this summer; i am not trying to make friends or date someone. i am trying to make money and thus, when i go in to work, i am clean and scrubbed and showing up to work to make money. i am not trying to look good or impress anyone; i am showing up to work and nothing else. and i guess i am a little blindsided by the fact that my lack of effort is noticed. my sister comes in a few times and the common conversation is about how beautiful she is. and then there's me.

me. it's difficult for anyone to acknowledge my worth, it always comes down to one thing.

i am the smart one.

it's the congenial title because kelly isn't not smart; she is smart AND beautiful. i am just smart. so i get that title, but more out of default.

i guess the long and the short of what i am getting at is that, being the "smart one" sucks. even if it is the truth or the let down.

just once, i would love to be appreciated for more than that....outside of why my friends or family offer in a  greater sense outside of what i do.  MAYBE, once,  for how i look (yea right), or for being funny; something other than being "smart". that is a nice way of saying someone is pretentious, assuming and diminutive. but i guess i can take comfort in knowing that someone in my family is aesthetically pleasing, even though i am not. i guess i will always have that oppressive card to hold over everyone's head and nothing else altogether.

wish i could be more.

thoughts unrelated to the olympics...

So I decided at the onset of the Olympics that I would dedicate my Facebook solely to the greatest sports contest EVER, and refrain from posting anything unrelated. Thus far, I have done just that (save one post).

However, I still feel compelled to share some thoughts I have that exist outside of that very contest.

So, here they are.

The past is a tricky thing.

A lot of times, it is a demon that needs to be slayed or a memory that needs to be suppressed. And in a lot of cases, I fall into the category of people that would rather not think about what has gone on in the years that have lapsed in my life.

Yet, for as much as I have appreciated distance from my previous transgressions, I guess I have failed to hold on to the things from my past that were good; even great. Tonight, I was reminded of sone such example.

When it comes to football season or direct newsworthy mention of my alma mater, I am quick to respond. I am defensive of Texas A&M and always will be. However, sometimes I forget that my pride for my university exists outside of controversy, contest or reverence; it exists as sure as the sun does rise.

And, I don't care what anyone says, but it is impressive and noteworthy that I graduated from a school such as Texas A&M...and on time with decent grades. I DID that; I ACHIEVED that; I WILL ALWAYS be able to say that I am a graduate of that (more than) fine institution. Nothing will EVER take that away from me. EVER.

I have that even if I have nothing else.

And that is something to celebrate. And I feel like I have gotten too bogged down in the mistakes of my past to truly appreciate just exactly what being able to say that means.

Because it means a great deal. To a lot of people. One of those people being me.

So here I am, a constant critic and perfectionist, taking a break from my personal scourging as a result of my mistakes and enjoying the fact that I did something great that can never be undone. And that is awesome. No matter what I do or don't do; mistakes I make; failures that are sure to come my way, I did this amazing thing that will never fall into a category of disappointment.

That is awesome. Today, tomorrow and always.

Yet, as i think about the past, I also have to know how to bury my demons; I have a lot.

But they are what and who they are and I cannot take any of them back; not now, not ever.

I have seen great, I have known great and I have loved great. And with great success comes great failure; I've known them both.

I have failed in that I have sold myself short. I have accepted mediocrity at the expense of greatness and legitimized it to myself as "life".

I have failed in that I have accepted that people are who they are and will treat me in such a way that they are only capable of. I have taken their shortcomings and transferred them to my own flaws.

I have failed in that I have not known how to deal with weakness and disappointment and chose destructive ways to deal with both. I made myself OK with my actions because I was unhappy.

I have failed in forgetting why and what makes me great. I have chosen to see myself as less rather than a worthy person with much offer.

I have failed in a lot of ways. And I am accepting those failures now.

But no more.

I choose, NOW, not to be held captive by my past. It IS what it is. I cannot change it now. I've done right and good, and I have also done wrong and bad. However, NOW, I choose not to look at those things with fear in my eyes and pain in my heart. They are all a part of what makes me, ME. And I am happy with who that is. And I am no longer going to have shame for it.

Some things have gone my way; a lot of things haven't. But that's life.

I am officially letting myself off the hook for what has passed and, instead, choose to focus on what hasn't, and how I can make THAT the greatest thing about me.

homewreckers.

I watched an episode of Friends the other day that has been on my mind.

Essentially in the episode, Rachel's sister comes to NYC to tell Rachel that she is marrying an older man and Rachel rails at the notion because she feels like her sister is falling into the same trap she was with Barry at the onset of the show.

And in the conversation she has with her sister, it comes out that she has a married boyfriend that she has no intention of letting go.

And while the conversation in question in that particular scene draws laughs-  as it is intended to- the sentiment has stayed with me.

And it has because, in the past few years (at least for me, personally), it seems that this is a prevailing trend.

And I don't get it.

I have watched a lot of episodes of Cheaters and The Real Housewives of ______ to know that this trend is one that is not just characteristic of a lesser demographic. Furthermore, I have seen the tabloid coverage of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and have experienced first hand how the media handles indiscretion.

That said, infidelity is a very real and large part of modern marriage and a element that terrifies the hell out of me.

And as I attempt to navigate my thoughts on the subject, I have come to a few preliminary conclusions.

1- people cheat. 

This is not news. However, it seems to be a more prevalent trend with males than with females. However, as I acknowledge that fact, it is still important to remember that males seem to be the more frequent offenders. Most studies I have looked at have acknowledged that men are twice as more likely to cheat than women.

2- cheating is more prevalent in individuals under the age of 30.

Research is indefinitive, but from what I know about every person I know that has been cheated on in their marriage in recent years, every instance has been in relationships where involved individuals were/are under the age  of 30.

3- certain single women go after married men.

There are dating sites-- similar to Match.com (www.ashleymadison.com) -- that cater to infidelity. And these sites-- which offer connections to males seeking females, females seeking males, females seeking females and males seeking males-- report that 22% (an almost majority) of activity is amongst involved men seeking single women.

So, the long and the short of the research involved with infidelity suggests that there is a prevalent trend of single women are seeking unavailable men.

And again, I just don't get it.

Relationships are hard. And one could argue that when needs of any kind are not being met in a relationship, the urge to cheat becomes greater. And I get that. But, that is life. Nothing, on any level whatsoever, can be perfect and fulfilling 100% of the time. Marriage vows acknowledge this reality when they state, regardless of denomination, that "for richer or for poorer, for sickness and in health and in good in bad, till death do us part." The basic idea being, even when it's hard, it's a commitment.

That is the entire idea behind marriage.

Yet, somehow, some people find a way to legitimize seeking fulfillment outside of their marriage or relationship when eras of meagerness come about. And regardless of the human weakness that accompanies that motivation, I do not understand the segment of population that is OK with engaging in a relationship with an involved or married man or woman.

Ultimately, what I cannot understand is why in the hell would you even attempt to connect with a legally obligated individual who is in a lawfully binding union? Why you would choose to be, that girl," that openly chases a married man.

I have seen a lot of parodies of moments in popular culture that acknowledge this trend and am, each and every time, left wanting. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND how a woman chooses to engage in any kind of more-than-platonic interaction with a man who is married OR INVOLVED. That is not a fad or a loosely applied idea; if a man is married, it is law and it is permanent. That means: OFF LIMITS.

However, a good portion of women feel ok engaging in the "unrecognized urges" of married men and dilute themselves into believing that these men are better off with them as a mistress than in a marriage with their spouse.

Essentially, some women are OK with being a dirty secret rather than a choice, and applaud themselves  for aiding someone who seeks an enabler more than a companion.

Women have more than enough to rail against; why put yourself on the level of adulterous trash than go after what they want in sacrifice of what has been established by law and ceremonial commitment?

Families, children, hopes, dreams, plans... they all are dashed when stupid women, complacent with being the "other woman", come into the picture. 

Long story short-- I am looking at YOU, hard pressed single mother who couldn't keep her legs together and got knocked up, who now attempts to ensnare another woman's husband to correct the wrongs or her indiscretion, and sleeps better at night because she found someone who, "loves her kid."

To you I say-- you are weak. You are not a hard fought example of perseverance and determination. You are a whore; almost as guilty as the prostitutes that make a living on the weathered streets in every city in this nation. 

To be exact- a whore is someone who has sex for money; to me, your choice to have sex with a married mad to cement stability in you and your child's life is the same thing. And not only are you a whore, but you are also selfish, dumb and incomplete. You may be able to count what you have as a result of someone else's misery and loss, but at the end of the day, you are still a whore that got pregnant and found themself incapable of providing a life to an offspring that deserves better than your bullshit.

I am sorry if that is too harsh, but it's real and true. You are not a hero for finding a father for your child; you are a whore who found a way to steal someone else's husband to help you manage your life.

Bravo. Thanks for your contribution to the women's movement and the hard-fought battle too many deserving women have waged to earn respect. 

Congratulations on getting your bills paid, home wrecker. Try to enjoy your "victory" now; it's ill-gotten and worth nothing in the long run. You haven't earned a shred of respect or perseverance; if anything, all you have earned is a badge of weakness and incompetence. SHAME ON YOU for enabling infidelity and dragging a child into it along YOUR way. 

SHAME ON YOU for rationalizing your decisions to yourself and deciding that they are ok. 

SHAME ON YOU for expecting nothing better of yourself than to be an adulterous whore; that's who you are. Face it now, even if you can make yourself feel better by whose husband you snagged.

 And yes, if it wasn't obvious-- I hate you. I hate you for going after an involved man and I hate you for thinking your single parent-ship gives you the right. You were a whore then and you still are one now, regardless of whoever's husband you got to be with you. Enjoy your life with a man who has no problem moving on when he finds the grass greener; I GUARANTEE you that fate will befall you before too long.

Chick-Fil-A, vol. II

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/conor-gaughan/chick-fil-a-homophobia_b_1711566.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

I posted about Chick-Fil-A on Thursday night and, for the most part, stick behind what I said.

However, after reading this post, I feel the need to respond further because Conor's post on this site really got to me.

However, I feel it is important to acknowledge a couple of things:

Huffington Post is a very liberal news "organization"; it is akin to Fox News in its slant. I recognize this and want to make sure I acknowledge this as it may be used as an argument against the rhetoric.

However, this man's post, at least from what I can tell from internet research, was not paid for or predicated for anything other than one man's own opportunity to share his opinion.

And rightfully so-- he is an accomplished businessman with the education (Harvard) and experience (just take a look at his resume on LinkedIn) to back it up. And he is gay. And for both reasons, it appears that he had an opinion on the issue, and the Huffington Post was the outlet that chose to publish his opinion.


That said, I want to clarify a little more about what I stated on Thursday.

I never thought about far reaching effects of the message of an organization with the prominence of Chick-Fil-A would mean to the GLBT community; there has been controversy from human rights activists, but (at least for me) little attention has been given to how GLBT individuals were affected by this admission.

And I guess what I want to clarify is that I don't have a problem with what the COO said because he lives in a country where he has the inalienable right to say it. Moreover, I guess what I ultimately was getting at was that it shouldn't have been a surprise. The company has used traditional Christian values as a reason to close their doors every Sunday; why would anyone find this stance surprising?

That's what I meant.

But I guess what I didn't think about is exactly what Conor said: the message it sends to GLBT individuals already struggling in a society where they are being told who they are is an abomination. And even if that isn't the choice of words, its still the message. And I guess the point he made in his argument that hit me the most were his FACTS about Chick-Fil-A's financial support of initiatives to ban gay marriage; his FACTS about precisely all of the rights denied to GLBT individuals in the US; his FACTS in relation to Sally Ride's widow and what she is now facing as an unrecognized widow in the wake of her partner's death. That kind of brought it home for me.

I guess I don't really have anything more relevant to say other than, for as much as I love this country I live in, I have a lot of problems with the way it operates sometimes.

Also, I think the COO of Chick-Fil-A absolutely deserves the right to speak his mind without FEDERAL retribution; at this point, he has dealt with none. The retribution he faces is from the public and there is no Constitutional support for protection from public opinion. And while I disagree with a boycott, I think that if you are willing to admit your opinion, you should be prepared to deal with the consequences of the admission of that same opinion.

Because, if you think about it, he is exercising a right guaranteed to him from the basic tenets of the  Constitution and accompanying Civil Rights; GLBT do not share that same protection in their relationships. And in some cases, as Conor- again- pointed out with FACT, in their professions as well.

So in trying to synthesize my thoughts, this has what I have come to:

Chick-Fil-A needs to relax and weather the storm. There are so many people speaking out against Chick-Fil-A's opinion that a day of support- organized by Christian fundamentalists- has unofficially been scheduled for the restaurant to counter the negative publicity created as a result of the COO's newly publicized stance. If they so ardently support traditional Christianity to that extent, that needs to translate to all instances, including those that incite negative opinions. If you take a stance, fine; be willing to deal with the consequence of that position without expressing incredulity or injustice.

And for the GLBT individuals that have seen this situation as further oppression-- I HATE that for you all. I HATE that you all- or at least some portion of you- live in fear for your safety and comfort. I HATE that you live in a nation where your love and commitment is not considered as valid as my own. I HATE that anyone could use these kinds of situations as ammunition for a close-minded, hateful point of view. But mostly, I HATE that there is little I can do at present to change this injustice or redirect the hate that plagues so so so very many ignorant and intolerable people. Hang in there and know that, even if I don't fault an ignorant man and his company their opinion, I still find your legitimacy and value greater than them or anything they could ever be a part of.

chick-fil-a

I decided at the beginning of this week that my Facebook would be, form here on out, completely 100% dedicated to the Olympics. However, with everything going on in the world, I am finding it hard to wholeheartedly devote my thoughts to the greatest sports tradition in the world.

That said, the issue I feel most compelled to comment on is the current drama that has been going on with Chick-Fil-A.

A few things must be said first before I dive into what I think.

I read the remarks- from the source- that were made by the COO of the corporation about his beliefs regarding "traditional family values".

Additionally, I must confess that the beloved chicken restaurant was the first job I ever had and as a result, I became familiar with the corporate culture and ideology. At that time, however, the ideology did not stretch to marriage of any kind, and the main idea behind the company as stressed to me at my orientation, was that of Christianity. I was told, for that reason, it was a company-wide policy (even if specific stores were franchises), that all locations be closed on Sundays to observe the day of rest, or Sabbath, as maintained by the bible and basic Christian dogma.

So, all of these things considered, I have a couple of thoughts.

If you know me at all- which you would have to because I only have about 5 dedicated readers- you know how I feel about gay marriage. I think it is absurd that in a society that has clearly taken a judicial stance on separating religion from social institutions, that the argument of the bible and God's intention for marriage are the arguments that prevent same sex couples from being legally married. Take belief out of it entirely; prayer was removed from public schools so as not to ostracize those that do not espouse traditional values of Christianity, however those values are precisely why gays cannot enjoy a legal union. THAT is the precedence that has been set in our society.

Beyond that, I wholeheartedly support gay marriage and not just for political or judicial reasons. God is the ultimate judge of one's life on earth and I have problem with anyone in any entity that chooses to limit freedoms of other people because of their belief (NOT knowledge) of his intentions. The bible is the Word and I do not dispute that; I dispute a limited interpretation of an ancient text that offers as many contradictions as it does "truths". The bible says "eye for an eye" in one chapter and then, "turn the other cheek" in another. 

Additionally, this nation was founded on the idea that religious belief should not govern a nation-- that's why the freaking pilgrims left England! But here we are. And truly, only as it relates to this issue. Moreover, I know a lot of heterosexual AND homosexual couples, and no one has ever offered me any compelling evidence that there is a difference between their two shared loves. Allowing the gays to get married does not in ANY WAY take away from the legitimacy of a heterosexual union. What those people choose to do with their personal and sexual lives is between them and their partner and God. Not you, not me and not any other person on this earth. The homosexual couples that I know that yearn for the freedom to wed want it not for any other reason than to be able to infinitely and legally assert their commitment to another....essentially the same reason why heterosexuals get married. So the disparity, to me, is ridiculous.

In fact, I downloaded an application on my phone from the Human Rights Campaign- of which I have monetarily supported for more than 4 years now- that identifies the level of inclusion culture within major American corporations. The application gives you the ability to take a look at the stance on GLBT issues that a company has espoused in every category spanning from food to sporting goods. When I first downloaded it, I anticipated I would reference it before I made consumer choices. That hasn't happened as much as I anticipated because I am forgetful, but I digress.

So here comes Chick-Fil-A. And I must confess I am not entirely aware of what context the COO made his statements; I don't know if he was specifically asked about his beliefs or if they just came out by way of an interview. All I know, is that he made them.

And after I first started reading the rhetoric pouring out over social media, my knee-jerk reaction as a gay marriage supporter was to disparage this company. But as the days and weeks have passed, I find myself changing my mind.

This is why:

I have worked in the service industry for the past 5 years. At first, full time, and now only for the summer. I have worked at Chick-Fil-A (in 2000 and 2001) and since 2008, 3 different restaurant with completely different cultures and concepts. I have been privy to the mentality of ownership- be it private or not- and the operating tenets in place as a result of that ideology. And what I can say about the restaurants I have worked for in the past- specifically Snuffer's, Dodie's and MiCocina-  is that making money is king to any other concept. As a result, ALL of those restaurants are opened 365 days a year and operate as early and as late as city laws will allow. To them- holidays mean dollar signs. Sunday's mean dollar signs. Essentially- to them- there is really no legitimate reason to close. Forget the lives of their employees; that being their kids, parents, siblings, etc. The almighty dollar is paramount and the establishments are run accordingly.

But then there is Chick-Fil-A.

The restaurant is IMMENSELY popular. I cannot think of one person that has ever had a disparaging remark to make about it. In fact, I read repeated statuses on Sundays that say something about hating the fact that the restaurant is closed.

And I guess that is why I don't have a HUGE problem with the COO's statements. Yes, I disagree with them completely, but boycott's are ridiculous. This company CHOOSES to be closed on Sunday's. They don't even care about what kind of profit they are losing or risks they are taking. The culture of the company is based on the founder's "Christian beliefs" that include of course, the stance on gay marriage, but also the idea that a business should be closed on Sunday's- and other major religious holidays- out of respect for God's Commandment to "keep holy the Sabbath". The founder has NEVER been silent or shy about his beliefs as it relates to that concept, though I am sure he has had innumerable individuals advise him otherwise. He has never made excuses or apologies for his belief in that sacred ideal and he has stuck to his guns. And I applaud him for that, especially in a culture that engenders the sacrifice of all for profit. He has never wavered.

So is it any real surprise that he holds, "traditional family values"? To anyone paying attention, it shouldn't. But the basis of his company is not exclusion or discrimination-- it is the same value system that has dominated the gay marriage debate for decades. 

So now, everyone wants to boycott because he disclosed that he does not support gay marriage. And I guess I think that is a little absurd. The HRC application that I mentioned earlier ranks companies based upon their corporate rhetoric as it relates to GLBT. There is NOTHING in the Chick-Fil-A company byline that suggests an intolerance for GLBT. The man in charge simply stated an opinion. And it is one I disagree with. But I also disagree that money matters more than holidays or Sunday's or the fellowship at stake in both instances. I disagree with the fact that, in every restaurant I have worked at, "going to church" is not a viable reason to get a day off. Yet this company CHOOSES to forego profit for the same reasons that man doesn't believe in gay marriage. 

There has been a great deal of criticism over the past few weeks about Obama's assertion that any business is nothing more than a result of entrepreneurial predecessors. And I agree with that criticism. And for that reason, that is why I think everyone needs to chill out on Chick-Fil-A. No savvy business leader would ever advise or support taking a day off a week for ANY reason, yet this company does...unabashedly.

What I am getting at is that this company is who they are; they have never tried to assert themselves as anything but or pander to common opinion. And that is admirable in a society and economy where the status quo is to  do anything and tell anyone and everyone what they want to hear. Sure, they have limited beliefs about a controversial issue, but they are who they are and they have never tried to be anything but. It would be like expecting an Olympic devotee to admit that the Super Bowl is the most superior event in sports. It's not going to happen because- all "right" or "wrong" aside- it directly contradicts their beliefs. That's how I feel about Chick-Fil-A. In good, and bad ways, they believe what they believe and they aren't afraid to claim it.

And I guess, in a world where people are more concerned about money or popularity and are willing to sacrifice anything and everything in that pursuit, I have a hard time faulting someone for their values...even if I disagree with them.

Foregiveness

This is going to be short. And that is probably a distasteful way to begin a post about forgiveness, but still; it is what it is.

I have had a lot of things happen to me in 26 years. A lot of it, I shamelessly take responsibility for, regardless of if other people were involved. However, a lot of it, I have specific blame for other people involved in the scenario.

So, I guess what I have come to is that it is time to let it go. All of it. Every situation, scenario and moment. To let all of those negative memories fade away as quickly as they occurred.

And it is hard. It is difficult to forget things that caused you considerable pain and insecurity. It is beyond challenging to just accept the past for what it is; but I have to do it. I have to separate myself from the things that have happened to me and realize that it is what it is and move on. And it's hard. And while I feel compelled to let it go now, I am sure that there will be moments in the future where I will rail against that notion; but the forgiveness remains.

I hate to claim it, but there is a moment in the Sex In the City movie that resonates with me considerably. After Miranda admits to Carrie what she said to Big and finally get's her alone to try to apologize, Carrie turns the conversation around to Miranda's marriage. She accuses Miranda of wanting forgiveness after 2 days, but at that point, has also been unwilling to forgive her husband after 6 months. The quote in question, when Miranda tries to argue that it's different, Carrie responds, "it's forgiveness."

And she is right. Fact or fiction aside, forgiveness is forgiveness. And an evolved person knows how to give it and move on. And, unfortunately, I have not been that evolved to this point.

So, I am going to make a dedicated effort to, 'letting it go'. 

When I was in grade school- AKA, the nomenclature for the period a Catholic school kid spends in school from 1st to 8th grade- I dealt with a great deal of the issues a kid fully immersed in the awkward stages of adolescence deals with; bad skin, weight, self image, boys, and the list goes on.

So basically, I went to high school with a bit of a chip on my shoulder from the crap I dealt with in grade school. But after I got a good look at the trajectory of high school, I realized holding on to the past was a waste of time. And I let it go. I chalked it up to hormones, a desire for acceptance, and a widespread epidemic of insecurity that was the fuel behind the behavior of myself and my friends at that stage.

And I have never looked back.

However, i frequently find myself harping on issues from the past that occurred out of high school, and holding on to them with fierce self-righteousness. And that is a mistake. 

So here is the deal: I am pissed off about the past and how specific people treated me in that realm...; but, it is what it is. I am not the same person I was then, and the person I am now and the life I lead now is far removed from the past.

And I guess what I have come to is that holding on to the past does a complete disservice to the existence I currently hold. Sure, I am mad about about shit from the past and am convinced I deserved better, but focusing on that above anything else is a mistake.

I am completely fulfilled and happy with what I have now in respect to what I have come from.  Holding on to the past and the people I feel wronged me in it does a considerable disservice to the people in the life I live now that do everything right. So, for them, I am letting it go.

Yea, I think you did me wrong and I am pissed off about it because I know I deserve better; however, I have better and that matters more than the past.

So, essentially, that's it. For those individuals that may or may not read this, consider my remonstrance about the past completely over. It is what it is, and I am OK with it. I wouldn't be who I am or have what I have if it weren't for my past experiences; so as a result, I am making peace with all of it and letting it go.

At the end of the day, know this: thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for what you brought to my life when you did. Regardless of who I may be referencing or not, I mean that sentiment wholeheartedly. There has never been someone in my life that I cared about significantly that didn't bring a lot to the table. So my thanks is genuine. And to you all, I say I am sorry for holding on to anger for so long.

I think one of the best lessons a person can ever learn is that some people are only capable of so much; what they cannot deliver is not personal or intentional. Sometimes, with certain people, you just have to accept what they give because it is their best; even if it falls considerably short of your expectations.

So, I guess the long and short of what I am saying is that, I forgive all of my demons and I similarly thank them for their role in making me who I am. I wouldn't be here without you all and, for that ALONE, I will never be anything but grateful.

So what I am saying is-- all is forgiven. Thank you for everything you ever brought to my life. I wouldn't be who I am without you. I am sorry- for the obvious reasons, we couldn't make it work-- but I will appreciate and think of you all always...

stereotypes-- starring you!

I am not one of those pretentious people that doesn't see the value in something being purely meant for entertainment. Usually, things in that category are some what sensational and exaggerated, and I get that.

For example-- musical theatre. I wish I lived I a world where everyone randomly broke out in song and dance and the perfect interlude punctuated the emotions of the moment. Also, satirical comedy. It is funny because it exaggerates stereotypes and forces people portrayed in those situations-- or the people that have to deal with them-- to laugh at their absurdity. Situational comedy and scripted drama are also useful because they offer an escape into a world where someone else is having a meltdown and you can use those portrayals to gain perspective. I am all for all of those kinds of entertainment.

What I am NOT for, however, are shows that stereotype demographics of which I am a member.

When the first season of The Real Housewives of Orange County first appeared on Bravo, I will admit, I was a fan. Because though it was "unscripted", it was a peek into the lives of over indulged and under developed women in California. I enjoyed watching Vicki, Jo, Lauri and Jeana spend absurd amounts of money on ridiculous things, all the while peppered with a colorful commentary of ridiculously asinine thoughts and musings. I found them to be laughable, and thus, was entertained by how far away from reality they actually lived.

Well, that was almost 5 years ago. And now, in a market where anything that is successful is repackaged and reproduced for every different population segment under the sun, television is inundated with the same kind of ridiculous shit show of women and their over indulged lifestyles.

And now, the very thing I found entertaining about these kinds of shows, has taken a rather insidious turn as the "real life" drama is now being packed for fictional characters. Specifically for a specific kind of woman that lives in Texas.

I have actually read Good Christian Bitches, a novel based upon a series of one woman's experiences living in Highland Park and I actually enjoyed the book. What you see on ABC entitled GCB is very little like the novel it is supposedly based on. The woman's entire point in writing the book was to highlight that in a faith community in which she was attempting to find sanctuary, she found more deceit, betrayal and usurping than you would find in a sorority house. Her character in the book was attempting to start her life over with the best of intentions, and was genuinely disheartened to find that the women she used to consider her best friends were eager to feed her to the wolves.

The book was a fictional case study of life; not Dallas. It was supposed to offer a look into how faith communities can sometimes offer more alienation than solace and that a lot of times, people use God and bible study for an agenda rather than the Truth.

I've only forced myself to sit through one episode of GCB, and I can assure you, that is not the motif they are going for.

And in keeping with the Real Housewives genre, Bravo hasn't moved to take on Dallas as a new locale, but Style did when they started Big Rich Texas.

When I first saw the promotional ads for the show, I had no interest in tuning in. However, lack of other viable options and a waning lack of attention to television programming led me to watch the show a couple of nights ago. I was disgusted. Furthermore, I am even more irate that I have to live with the fact that I share a zip code with all of these individuals.

What these women and their daughters may have in liquid wealth gives no credence to what that indescribably lack in class. Not just because they are all backstabbing, deceitful idiots, but because they try to use an air of "southern charm" to accompany their couture. Combined, they make Teresa Guidice look like bambi. One girl has sex with her godmother's son and can barely pull the sheets up over her breasts long enough for the camera to get a post-coitus angle. One woman- arguably the Queen B with the most money- has a trashier mouth than I do...and for those of you that know me, that's saying something. 

And we know all of their dirty secrets, unpaid balances at the plastic surgeon and hidden pregnancies because each and every time they all find themselves at the same social event, they end the evening screaming at each other with unbridled profanity about how trashy the other one is. It is beyond the limits of entertainment; it's a train wreck.

And I guess this is what I don't understand. I am absolutely incensed that people that do not live in Texas have this as an image of Texas women. Furthermore, when shows like GCB pop up and offer a fictional insight into the same southern city, people are only further beguiled by the behavior. 

I have lived in Texas my whole life. I have moved around for college and work, but never have I had a zip code that didn't start with a '7'. I have known a lot of women in this state- rich and poor- and none of them behave the way these women do. Not even close. I am offended the popular culture is categorizing women of my geographical location in this way-- and that I will forever now- without my consent- be a party to the same stereotypical behavior.

This is the new Texas generation that once used to get the question, "do you go everywhere on a horse?" I thought the question was absurd, but it makes sense if you compare it to most of the popular images of the residents of Texas.

Well, now I am forever to be counted amongst the trash of Dallas/Fort Worth; I get to fight against the negative perception that have given women in this city and what kills me is that people in this market to not seem to be bothered about how they are being portrayed on television! I feel like I owe the women of Orange Country an apology because back when the drama was 3000 miles away from me, I thought it was funny. Now, not so much.

Sandra Day O'Connor is from Texas. She worked her way up form humble beginnings, lived life on the range, and worked her ass off all the way to the Supreme Court. I would much rather be represented by that "big rich Texas" personality than anything else that has been put up there thus far.