nonsense.

i am like an ADD patient on crack right now.

my mind is running a millions miles a minute, and my fingers are just trying to keep up.

without any overwrought introduction, i am just going to dive in.

(however, i have decided to number my thoughts so, at least, on some level, they are easier to follow)

1- it is crazy to me, sometimes, how things work out. there was a commercial on tv today for these 3m hooks that you can use to hang things on the wall. they require no nails or screws and it is  even suggested in the commercial that they are perfect for dorm rooms.

which got me thinking about my own dorm room back in 2004, and the fact that i, too, used those hooks, to hold up my hairdryer and straightener in the bathroom of my dorm room when i was a freshman at texas a&m.

which then caused me to remember some key moments i had in that horrible fluorescent lit room and what the status of my life was then-- and what i thought it would turn out to be-- and what it is now.

and WHOA. never would have seen this coming. and i don't just mean where i am, but with and without whom.

the man i was with at the time is now married (not to me-- spoiler alert!), and i am living with a man i had no idea even existed at the precious time in my life when i thought i had it all figured out.

this whole thought process alone made me realize, today, how crazy life is and how much you can develop plans and expectations that will never come even remotely close to coming true. and that, before you know it, you will find yourself in a place you never expected. and neither the former or the latter are bad; they just "are".

2- i thought i was a good writer. and to be fair to myself, i am not bad. i think i am pretty capable of conveying, via the written word, a certain notion or (even) emotion. however, i have done some long form writing recently and i thought it was good. and i was wrong.

there are a lot of flaws to my long form writing skills. when i was in graduate school, i never attempted to be a "writer"; it kind of fell in my lap.

and because it did, i have operated under the gross misconception that i am good at it. and i am not. i made a lot of mistakes as a writer of long-form essay and narrative that other scholars of the craft would not. listening to the sessions at the mayborn conference confirmed this for me.

and i am humbled by finally realizing that fact. if that is really a frontier i want to traverse, i have a lot of work to do. i am not nearly as good as i thought i was; i have much to learn.

3- mosquitos suck. what is the status of west nile in the dfw area at present? i am a little concerned at this point because i am sitting outside and killing mosquitos left and right. should i be worried?

4- regardless of anything else, does a woman ever reach a point where she doesn't want to be a pretty girl?

i need to explain. long story short, i have never been a beauty queen. i have been overweight, broken out and afflicted with braces. i have been through every awkward stage imaginable without terrible memories. and by that i mean that i managed to develop a friend and support base outside of my physical (or lack thereof) acumen. simply put- i have never had friends or popularity from being pretty. my personality has carried me through every era of my life and i am happy about that. i am grateful that i know that what i have done in my life is completely as a result of who i am and nothing else.

that said, every girl wants to feel pretty and desired. and while i have had those- FLEETING- moments in my life, i am one that is remembered for more than that.

and while i appreciate that, i have not automatically been absolved of any desire to be appreciated for how i look. and that has rarely happened. in fact, my best friends in college where always desired physically more than i ever was, and as an adult, i am experiencing that same reality with my sister.

my sister has always been a babe, don't get me wrong (this is a moment where i am painfully aware that i am a bad writer, by the way), but she seems to be the one i always hear about in my adult life that makes me want to run my head into cement.

what she doesn't know is that a kid i had a HUGE crush on when i was a freshman in high school, pulled me aside one day to tell me how hot he though kelly (my sister) was, and i revisited that moment again today when a coworker pulled me aside to say the same thing. and then follow it up with an inquiry about her relationship status.

and i guess the thing here that i am writing through is two-fold. i KNOW my sister is gorgeous. she always has been. she has the teeth, the hair, the height and the effort-- by that i mean, she makes an effort to look awesome and it pays off (on a level i don't for various reasons); she has everything in place to be a wanted person. that is her and she has earned it. not only has she earned it, she has worked for it. she truly does deserve to be acknowledged for being gorgeous. because she absolutely is. and she delivers nothing less than that every time she steps out.

i guess for me, i am resigned to what i have to work with and what i have to do this summer; i am not trying to make friends or date someone. i am trying to make money and thus, when i go in to work, i am clean and scrubbed and showing up to work to make money. i am not trying to look good or impress anyone; i am showing up to work and nothing else. and i guess i am a little blindsided by the fact that my lack of effort is noticed. my sister comes in a few times and the common conversation is about how beautiful she is. and then there's me.

me. it's difficult for anyone to acknowledge my worth, it always comes down to one thing.

i am the smart one.

it's the congenial title because kelly isn't not smart; she is smart AND beautiful. i am just smart. so i get that title, but more out of default.

i guess the long and the short of what i am getting at is that, being the "smart one" sucks. even if it is the truth or the let down.

just once, i would love to be appreciated for more than that....outside of why my friends or family offer in a  greater sense outside of what i do.  MAYBE, once,  for how i look (yea right), or for being funny; something other than being "smart". that is a nice way of saying someone is pretentious, assuming and diminutive. but i guess i can take comfort in knowing that someone in my family is aesthetically pleasing, even though i am not. i guess i will always have that oppressive card to hold over everyone's head and nothing else altogether.

wish i could be more.