Foregiveness

This is going to be short. And that is probably a distasteful way to begin a post about forgiveness, but still; it is what it is.

I have had a lot of things happen to me in 26 years. A lot of it, I shamelessly take responsibility for, regardless of if other people were involved. However, a lot of it, I have specific blame for other people involved in the scenario.

So, I guess what I have come to is that it is time to let it go. All of it. Every situation, scenario and moment. To let all of those negative memories fade away as quickly as they occurred.

And it is hard. It is difficult to forget things that caused you considerable pain and insecurity. It is beyond challenging to just accept the past for what it is; but I have to do it. I have to separate myself from the things that have happened to me and realize that it is what it is and move on. And it's hard. And while I feel compelled to let it go now, I am sure that there will be moments in the future where I will rail against that notion; but the forgiveness remains.

I hate to claim it, but there is a moment in the Sex In the City movie that resonates with me considerably. After Miranda admits to Carrie what she said to Big and finally get's her alone to try to apologize, Carrie turns the conversation around to Miranda's marriage. She accuses Miranda of wanting forgiveness after 2 days, but at that point, has also been unwilling to forgive her husband after 6 months. The quote in question, when Miranda tries to argue that it's different, Carrie responds, "it's forgiveness."

And she is right. Fact or fiction aside, forgiveness is forgiveness. And an evolved person knows how to give it and move on. And, unfortunately, I have not been that evolved to this point.

So, I am going to make a dedicated effort to, 'letting it go'. 

When I was in grade school- AKA, the nomenclature for the period a Catholic school kid spends in school from 1st to 8th grade- I dealt with a great deal of the issues a kid fully immersed in the awkward stages of adolescence deals with; bad skin, weight, self image, boys, and the list goes on.

So basically, I went to high school with a bit of a chip on my shoulder from the crap I dealt with in grade school. But after I got a good look at the trajectory of high school, I realized holding on to the past was a waste of time. And I let it go. I chalked it up to hormones, a desire for acceptance, and a widespread epidemic of insecurity that was the fuel behind the behavior of myself and my friends at that stage.

And I have never looked back.

However, i frequently find myself harping on issues from the past that occurred out of high school, and holding on to them with fierce self-righteousness. And that is a mistake. 

So here is the deal: I am pissed off about the past and how specific people treated me in that realm...; but, it is what it is. I am not the same person I was then, and the person I am now and the life I lead now is far removed from the past.

And I guess what I have come to is that holding on to the past does a complete disservice to the existence I currently hold. Sure, I am mad about about shit from the past and am convinced I deserved better, but focusing on that above anything else is a mistake.

I am completely fulfilled and happy with what I have now in respect to what I have come from.  Holding on to the past and the people I feel wronged me in it does a considerable disservice to the people in the life I live now that do everything right. So, for them, I am letting it go.

Yea, I think you did me wrong and I am pissed off about it because I know I deserve better; however, I have better and that matters more than the past.

So, essentially, that's it. For those individuals that may or may not read this, consider my remonstrance about the past completely over. It is what it is, and I am OK with it. I wouldn't be who I am or have what I have if it weren't for my past experiences; so as a result, I am making peace with all of it and letting it go.

At the end of the day, know this: thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for what you brought to my life when you did. Regardless of who I may be referencing or not, I mean that sentiment wholeheartedly. There has never been someone in my life that I cared about significantly that didn't bring a lot to the table. So my thanks is genuine. And to you all, I say I am sorry for holding on to anger for so long.

I think one of the best lessons a person can ever learn is that some people are only capable of so much; what they cannot deliver is not personal or intentional. Sometimes, with certain people, you just have to accept what they give because it is their best; even if it falls considerably short of your expectations.

So, I guess the long and short of what I am saying is that, I forgive all of my demons and I similarly thank them for their role in making me who I am. I wouldn't be here without you all and, for that ALONE, I will never be anything but grateful.

So what I am saying is-- all is forgiven. Thank you for everything you ever brought to my life. I wouldn't be who I am without you. I am sorry- for the obvious reasons, we couldn't make it work-- but I will appreciate and think of you all always...