1)
http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/story/2012-08-30/paul-ryan-fact-check-republican-convention/57432326/1
why this concerns me: well that answer is twofold. this information- which does nothing more than point out the contradictory truth of his false statements rather than promote an obama party line- underscores a blatant misrepresentation of the truth. and i can only figure that this happened because paul ryan and the rnc think a- the american people are too damn stupid (or lazy or ambivalent) to dig a little deeper, or b- they were not aware that a good portion of the claims they were making were outright fabrications. both notions being equally concerning going into a presidential election...
2)
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/08/agent-leaves-gun-uncovered-on-romney-plan/1
what is with the secret service? get it together already.
(and the absolute most appalling of them all...)
3)
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-08-30/defendant-texas-rape-vanishes/57426736/1
and rather than paraphrase, i will copy the text in this story that is downright alarming:
"early in the investigation, some residents suggested the girl was partly responsible because they say she wore makeup, looked older than her age and wasn't properly supervised by her parents..."
to save you the trouble of reading the entire story if you haven't, the girl in question in this rape case is 11. 11.
certain individuals not only believe, but felt compelled to state OUT LOUD, that an eleven-year-old-girl is somehow at fault for violations by upwards of twenty men because she was allowed to wear make-up and, by nothing else other than sheer biology and genetics, looks old for her age. apparently to them, she is somehow partially responsible for being sodomized REPEATEDLY by grown men.
is anyone really surprised that in a society where attitudes like this subsist, over 50% of sexual assaults and rapes go unreported? i was the victim of a sexual assault in college i never reported because i was SURE that because i was on an unfamiliar campus in an unfamiliar town and had been drinking, a larger case would be made against my accusation- and what i had done wrong to "encourage" my attack- than against the guy who attacked me.
and certainly i know there are men and women out there that have fallen victim to a false accusation of rape or sexual misconduct, but moving to find fault with the victim is not the answer. because if anything, it causes those women to fall victim to these kinds of attacks over and over again. our society does not adequately empower individuals to confront their attackers first and foremost, because of bullshit attitudes like that.
and to be clear: no means no, regardless of whether or not you are walking down the fucking street drunk, half dressed, wearing a t-shirt that says "i heart making out" or hell, completely naked. and if you decide to commit a combination of all three, REMEMBER THAT does not give anyone the right or the justification to force you into any sexual activity you do not choose!
i think this disgusts me even more than the DCCCD tax hearing story...
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
the TRUTH about being a college professor...
http://www.myfoxdfw.com/video?clipId=7664692&topVideoCatNo=237008&autoStart=true
i was going to make this a facebook status, but as you can see, it went on for far longer than is appropriate (says me) for a facebook status, so here i am. and i hope that all 6 of you faithful readers watch the above video and then read what i said. because most of the 6 of you ARE dallas county residents, albeit not homeowners, but still. one day this may affect you and i want you to have the other side's perspective.
i am so flabbergasted at the ridiculous and IGNORANT things some of those people had to say. it is suggested by one man that the tax increase is akin to giving an alcoholic a bottle of jack daniels. give me a break, dude. what you obviously don't know is that:
1- there has not been a cost of living increase in pay in this district in almost 5 years. in the PRIVATE SECTOR, a lot of workers are fortunate to get a CPI adjustment EVERY YEAR. but see, being an educator is, and has always been, a PUBLIC SERVICE. and unfortunately, public servants in this country hardly ever get paid on the same scale as other works.
2- these individuals are obviously laboring under the misconception that because my business cards say "professor" on them, i receive handsome and significant compensation. i don't. i know FOR A FACT, that some school districts in DFW start their first year teachers with a higher salary than i make. on the college level.
3- the money that these proposed increases- $20 more in taxes annually for homeowners and $7 more a tuition hour for students- would bring to the district is earmarked for more than just raises for teachers. the district is is DESPERATE need of building renovations and in some cases, upgrades in technology. FACT- my office FLOODED- and i mean, i was waiting for noah and the animals to come out of somewhere- and about 50% of my stuff was RUINED because the roof at northlake is in THAT BAD of shape. there are trash cans in EVERY HALLWAY to catch rainwater. and i am confident that this is probably a commonality across the district.
4- another citizen suggested innovation and not taxation is the solution. honey- this district has innovated the shit out of just about every nook and cranny they can to spread money as far as they can. i am the first full-time professor in my department because THE COLLEGE THOUGHT THE MONEY WAS BETTER SPENT in other areas; they were ok with the job always going to an adjunct. and i am fortunate that my dean pushed for a full-time faculty member. but the thing is, this happens in EVERY DEPARTMENT. the district cannot afford to pay a salary and benefits to that many full-time employees, so they have a majority of very important subjects being taught by adjuncts each semester that do not have the ability or incentive to truly give this job what it needs and deserves.
because this job IS hard. last semester alone i had a MR student who would not disclose her disability to me and presented a significant challenge in my classroom, i had multiple students trapped in marriages and relationships with significant instances of domestic violence, students with addictions to every substance and bad habit under the sun and the list goes on. i share a classroom with the photo lab. the PHOTO LAB. i have to set up desks before every class. this district has made "making do" an art form; we do not waste, we do not overindulge and we do not complain. we do the best we can with what we have. but every now and then, it might be nice to have an office that is dry and a classroom all my own. but until that day, my colleagues and i, will make do.
5- the people that were interviewed almost spit venom at the district as if they are some abhorrent entity trying to take their money without just cause. what these people do not get, however, is that this district is one of the best ju-co districts IN THE COUNTRY, and has programs in place specifically designed for job training and placement that is good for the economy and the community.
6- owning a home comes with great honor, but also, great responsibility. and those responsibilities are clearly defined before any contract is ever signed. my parents paid a school tax- and still continue to- for public schools in mesquite that i never attended. every american pays taxes that fund programs they do not use or even support. but that comes with the territory and it isn't going anywhere. your indignance at this notion is downright ridiculous.
what i guess makes me more sad than anything is that these people think that employees of this district are undeserving of FAIR (not exorbitant) compensation for their work...especially if it means an increase in their taxes of $20 a year. how many years ago was a comfortable household income nothing more than $14,000 a year? prices go up and the cost to live in a society where prices go up does as well. i guess i should just have to suck it up and take my salary as is, never expect or be granted any kind of raise and just be grateful. and even though prices will and costs will increase, i need to just grin in bear it even if it causes me economic hardship... because the citizens of dallas county think that allowing my employer to compensate me for the increase in the cost of living is akin to enabling an alcoholic.
ouch.
(and to be clear, the raise i would get annually would only be about $4000. before taxes. which, when spread over 12 months, comes to a cool $300 more a paycheck.)
i was going to make this a facebook status, but as you can see, it went on for far longer than is appropriate (says me) for a facebook status, so here i am. and i hope that all 6 of you faithful readers watch the above video and then read what i said. because most of the 6 of you ARE dallas county residents, albeit not homeowners, but still. one day this may affect you and i want you to have the other side's perspective.
i am so flabbergasted at the ridiculous and IGNORANT things some of those people had to say. it is suggested by one man that the tax increase is akin to giving an alcoholic a bottle of jack daniels. give me a break, dude. what you obviously don't know is that:
1- there has not been a cost of living increase in pay in this district in almost 5 years. in the PRIVATE SECTOR, a lot of workers are fortunate to get a CPI adjustment EVERY YEAR. but see, being an educator is, and has always been, a PUBLIC SERVICE. and unfortunately, public servants in this country hardly ever get paid on the same scale as other works.
2- these individuals are obviously laboring under the misconception that because my business cards say "professor" on them, i receive handsome and significant compensation. i don't. i know FOR A FACT, that some school districts in DFW start their first year teachers with a higher salary than i make. on the college level.
3- the money that these proposed increases- $20 more in taxes annually for homeowners and $7 more a tuition hour for students- would bring to the district is earmarked for more than just raises for teachers. the district is is DESPERATE need of building renovations and in some cases, upgrades in technology. FACT- my office FLOODED- and i mean, i was waiting for noah and the animals to come out of somewhere- and about 50% of my stuff was RUINED because the roof at northlake is in THAT BAD of shape. there are trash cans in EVERY HALLWAY to catch rainwater. and i am confident that this is probably a commonality across the district.
4- another citizen suggested innovation and not taxation is the solution. honey- this district has innovated the shit out of just about every nook and cranny they can to spread money as far as they can. i am the first full-time professor in my department because THE COLLEGE THOUGHT THE MONEY WAS BETTER SPENT in other areas; they were ok with the job always going to an adjunct. and i am fortunate that my dean pushed for a full-time faculty member. but the thing is, this happens in EVERY DEPARTMENT. the district cannot afford to pay a salary and benefits to that many full-time employees, so they have a majority of very important subjects being taught by adjuncts each semester that do not have the ability or incentive to truly give this job what it needs and deserves.
because this job IS hard. last semester alone i had a MR student who would not disclose her disability to me and presented a significant challenge in my classroom, i had multiple students trapped in marriages and relationships with significant instances of domestic violence, students with addictions to every substance and bad habit under the sun and the list goes on. i share a classroom with the photo lab. the PHOTO LAB. i have to set up desks before every class. this district has made "making do" an art form; we do not waste, we do not overindulge and we do not complain. we do the best we can with what we have. but every now and then, it might be nice to have an office that is dry and a classroom all my own. but until that day, my colleagues and i, will make do.
5- the people that were interviewed almost spit venom at the district as if they are some abhorrent entity trying to take their money without just cause. what these people do not get, however, is that this district is one of the best ju-co districts IN THE COUNTRY, and has programs in place specifically designed for job training and placement that is good for the economy and the community.
6- owning a home comes with great honor, but also, great responsibility. and those responsibilities are clearly defined before any contract is ever signed. my parents paid a school tax- and still continue to- for public schools in mesquite that i never attended. every american pays taxes that fund programs they do not use or even support. but that comes with the territory and it isn't going anywhere. your indignance at this notion is downright ridiculous.
what i guess makes me more sad than anything is that these people think that employees of this district are undeserving of FAIR (not exorbitant) compensation for their work...especially if it means an increase in their taxes of $20 a year. how many years ago was a comfortable household income nothing more than $14,000 a year? prices go up and the cost to live in a society where prices go up does as well. i guess i should just have to suck it up and take my salary as is, never expect or be granted any kind of raise and just be grateful. and even though prices will and costs will increase, i need to just grin in bear it even if it causes me economic hardship... because the citizens of dallas county think that allowing my employer to compensate me for the increase in the cost of living is akin to enabling an alcoholic.
ouch.
(and to be clear, the raise i would get annually would only be about $4000. before taxes. which, when spread over 12 months, comes to a cool $300 more a paycheck.)
Monday, August 27, 2012
new blog idea...
alright all of you faithful readers (which is six....i discovered earlier when i checked the abysmal statistics of my blog viewings)- i have a new blog idea.
now at this point, it is farcical at best, but i think that perhaps with someone else's technological acumen and creative finesse, it could actually become a successful blog; if it does, it was my idea first. remember that; i may sue for intellectual property theft...
in keeping with the nature of sites such as "texts from last night" (which i have come to believe is completely fake; no one goes to bed and wakes up with a midget in their freezer; sorry-- i call bullshit), i think there is value in collaborative blogs.
so to that end, i propose the, "shit i'd post as a Facebook status if i didn't have an anxiety problem about being funny" blog. the idea being that people that mentally thumb through multiple status update options, can eventually dump those discarded state on this blog in the hopes that while not chosen, still offer intrinsic value worth sharing (but not overloading their ever-precious Facebook page).
however, i must warn you that all of these ideas in this post are from one mind....so inevitably, they will loose wit, interest, and proverbial "steam" probably about 3 posts in. i will be more than appreciative if you last that long. but in a greater sense, imagine if they came from a collection of minds...tell me you aren't at least slightly intrigued....
(so after absolutely no "ado" whatsoever, i give you)
"shit i'd have posted as a Facebook status if i didn't have an anxiety problem about not being funny", blog 1
- netflix kind of sucks a bunch. they did not have batman begins- which caused me to spend WAY too much time trying to formulate a reason as to why it would not be available when the entire SERIES of lost is...and this movie was released during that period, but whatever... then after i gave up on batman- which is unavailable ENTIRELY as a brand on netflix- i attempted to watch the good old classic: "shawshank redemption"... AND AGAIN, i was left wanting. what the hell netflix? i need something else other than the hills and the original film version of buffy the vampire slayer. if it weren't for the fact that ted pays for the netflix subscription, i might seriously consider canceling.
(perfect example about a way-too-long post no one in fb would ever want to read, but that you are better off knowing about in the event you plan a movie night around netflix and batman. you're welcome.)
- i do NOT like capitalizing letters on my personal social media accounts. it's like the digital version of not wearing makeup. certainly i KNOW things should be capitalized, but i am taking e.e. cummings' whole concept for a spin to see how it works for me. and at this point, i've only encountered one critic who said, "i guess young people don't care about capitalizing these days"....yes, correct, good job.
- i suspect, on an almost regular basis, that at least 50% of my students are smarter than i am.
- someone's Facebook status the other day was about the last meal they would request if they were on death row (morbid if you don't consider it was after it was either passed in a certain state or proposed that inmates no longer receive last meal requests before execution), and i decided mine would include a cheeseburger and peanuts in the shell. i love peanuts in the shell. love love love them. that's the main reason i enjoy going to baseball games and restaurants that encourage yu to drop shells on the floor...
- i have a morbid fascination with the "real housewives of ______". specifically, new york, orange county, and occasionally, new jersey. and not for entertainment value, but more because i find it interesting that women (who do a huge disservice to our gender, by the way) are completely ok with being famous even if they come across as an overindulged, diluted, scathing idiot. seriously, these women sign a contract that they will engage in filming related to personal space and social events whereabouts they will be thrown into controversial situations with the sole purpose of participating in catty confrontations and cat fights. and they all do so WILLINGLY. i don't get that! that's like having the herp and allowing a tv crew to come into your gynecologist appointment....where the doctor is going to tell you the infection spread! my mom always raised me NOT to air dirty laundry, and these women walk around like they are of a superior status and social breeding. well i hate to tell you ladies, class doesn't come with a bank statement...
(see what i'm getting at here....?)
- top 40 radio is crap. and even though there are artists therein that do not suck (ie- adele), most of it is garbage, and i am saddened that a good portion of the population has not been exposed to better music.
- dwayne wade is a douche.
(and finally, for now...)
- i will not read fifty shades of gray. not now, not ever. and not because i do not appreciate a good romance novel with a fair amount of smut i may need to excuse myself to read. i will not read it because i detest that THAT is the very reason why it is a bestseller (and also that is debunked harry potter from some specific record i cannot remember at present). i am all for people reading when they are normally not so inclined to do so, but for me, this book is popular for all of the wrong reasons. people have read about the love "affair" of the protagonist and this christian character, and on some level, find that crap an attainable aspect of real life. IT ISN'T. people didn't read harry potter, twilight or the hunger games because they thought they had found some key to their life. they read those books because they were interested in accessing their imagination. it is easy to take a sensational idea and make it readable; hello- that's why the national enquirer is still in print. but anyone who reads that book and gets some grandiose notion about life is mistaken. i would move to give them all copies of harry potter, twilight and the hunger games, so that they may be able to truly experience the magic of a dense and expansive imagination....in a way that encourages deeper introspection than bondage.
(i lied, last thing...)
- when i write something on Facebook, i am not attempting to start some sort of controversy with those that disagree with me. additionally, i am not trying to state i am an expert on anything i am expressing an opinion on and that, i will admit before anyone else, is imperfect and has holes. that said, if you disagree with what i am saying and it isn't a post that says, "your mom is a piece of trash, ___", please do not feel compelled to respond with a digital attack that makes more assumptions about what i believe and think than anything i actually wrote. just because i think there is a gun violence problem in this country does not mean i am suggesting the solution is taking away everyone's guns. don't use my very informal excuse for a Facebook account as your forum to make attacks and prove your point. i specifically censor what i write before i submit it because i do NOT want to start a political war between myself and my respectively liberal and conservative friends. i am just stating MY opinion. and, i think, i do it in an accessible and non-confrontational way. if you disagree, feel free to comment back as long as you don't start making assumptions that translate into fighting words. i don't have the time or patience for that.
so, that's what i meant. and perhaps using TFLN was a bad example, because that comparison suggests this would be much funnier than it is. but still, we all have things we want to get off of our chests digitally without inundating our friends' news feeds...i just think there needs to be a forum for the excess.
thank you, 6 readers, if you made it this far...
now at this point, it is farcical at best, but i think that perhaps with someone else's technological acumen and creative finesse, it could actually become a successful blog; if it does, it was my idea first. remember that; i may sue for intellectual property theft...
in keeping with the nature of sites such as "texts from last night" (which i have come to believe is completely fake; no one goes to bed and wakes up with a midget in their freezer; sorry-- i call bullshit), i think there is value in collaborative blogs.
so to that end, i propose the, "shit i'd post as a Facebook status if i didn't have an anxiety problem about being funny" blog. the idea being that people that mentally thumb through multiple status update options, can eventually dump those discarded state on this blog in the hopes that while not chosen, still offer intrinsic value worth sharing (but not overloading their ever-precious Facebook page).
however, i must warn you that all of these ideas in this post are from one mind....so inevitably, they will loose wit, interest, and proverbial "steam" probably about 3 posts in. i will be more than appreciative if you last that long. but in a greater sense, imagine if they came from a collection of minds...tell me you aren't at least slightly intrigued....
(so after absolutely no "ado" whatsoever, i give you)
"shit i'd have posted as a Facebook status if i didn't have an anxiety problem about not being funny", blog 1
- netflix kind of sucks a bunch. they did not have batman begins- which caused me to spend WAY too much time trying to formulate a reason as to why it would not be available when the entire SERIES of lost is...and this movie was released during that period, but whatever... then after i gave up on batman- which is unavailable ENTIRELY as a brand on netflix- i attempted to watch the good old classic: "shawshank redemption"... AND AGAIN, i was left wanting. what the hell netflix? i need something else other than the hills and the original film version of buffy the vampire slayer. if it weren't for the fact that ted pays for the netflix subscription, i might seriously consider canceling.
(perfect example about a way-too-long post no one in fb would ever want to read, but that you are better off knowing about in the event you plan a movie night around netflix and batman. you're welcome.)
- i do NOT like capitalizing letters on my personal social media accounts. it's like the digital version of not wearing makeup. certainly i KNOW things should be capitalized, but i am taking e.e. cummings' whole concept for a spin to see how it works for me. and at this point, i've only encountered one critic who said, "i guess young people don't care about capitalizing these days"....yes, correct, good job.
- i suspect, on an almost regular basis, that at least 50% of my students are smarter than i am.
- someone's Facebook status the other day was about the last meal they would request if they were on death row (morbid if you don't consider it was after it was either passed in a certain state or proposed that inmates no longer receive last meal requests before execution), and i decided mine would include a cheeseburger and peanuts in the shell. i love peanuts in the shell. love love love them. that's the main reason i enjoy going to baseball games and restaurants that encourage yu to drop shells on the floor...
- i have a morbid fascination with the "real housewives of ______". specifically, new york, orange county, and occasionally, new jersey. and not for entertainment value, but more because i find it interesting that women (who do a huge disservice to our gender, by the way) are completely ok with being famous even if they come across as an overindulged, diluted, scathing idiot. seriously, these women sign a contract that they will engage in filming related to personal space and social events whereabouts they will be thrown into controversial situations with the sole purpose of participating in catty confrontations and cat fights. and they all do so WILLINGLY. i don't get that! that's like having the herp and allowing a tv crew to come into your gynecologist appointment....where the doctor is going to tell you the infection spread! my mom always raised me NOT to air dirty laundry, and these women walk around like they are of a superior status and social breeding. well i hate to tell you ladies, class doesn't come with a bank statement...
(see what i'm getting at here....?)
- top 40 radio is crap. and even though there are artists therein that do not suck (ie- adele), most of it is garbage, and i am saddened that a good portion of the population has not been exposed to better music.
- dwayne wade is a douche.
(and finally, for now...)
- i will not read fifty shades of gray. not now, not ever. and not because i do not appreciate a good romance novel with a fair amount of smut i may need to excuse myself to read. i will not read it because i detest that THAT is the very reason why it is a bestseller (and also that is debunked harry potter from some specific record i cannot remember at present). i am all for people reading when they are normally not so inclined to do so, but for me, this book is popular for all of the wrong reasons. people have read about the love "affair" of the protagonist and this christian character, and on some level, find that crap an attainable aspect of real life. IT ISN'T. people didn't read harry potter, twilight or the hunger games because they thought they had found some key to their life. they read those books because they were interested in accessing their imagination. it is easy to take a sensational idea and make it readable; hello- that's why the national enquirer is still in print. but anyone who reads that book and gets some grandiose notion about life is mistaken. i would move to give them all copies of harry potter, twilight and the hunger games, so that they may be able to truly experience the magic of a dense and expansive imagination....in a way that encourages deeper introspection than bondage.
(i lied, last thing...)
- when i write something on Facebook, i am not attempting to start some sort of controversy with those that disagree with me. additionally, i am not trying to state i am an expert on anything i am expressing an opinion on and that, i will admit before anyone else, is imperfect and has holes. that said, if you disagree with what i am saying and it isn't a post that says, "your mom is a piece of trash, ___", please do not feel compelled to respond with a digital attack that makes more assumptions about what i believe and think than anything i actually wrote. just because i think there is a gun violence problem in this country does not mean i am suggesting the solution is taking away everyone's guns. don't use my very informal excuse for a Facebook account as your forum to make attacks and prove your point. i specifically censor what i write before i submit it because i do NOT want to start a political war between myself and my respectively liberal and conservative friends. i am just stating MY opinion. and, i think, i do it in an accessible and non-confrontational way. if you disagree, feel free to comment back as long as you don't start making assumptions that translate into fighting words. i don't have the time or patience for that.
so, that's what i meant. and perhaps using TFLN was a bad example, because that comparison suggests this would be much funnier than it is. but still, we all have things we want to get off of our chests digitally without inundating our friends' news feeds...i just think there needs to be a forum for the excess.
thank you, 6 readers, if you made it this far...
Thursday, August 9, 2012
nonsense.
i am like an ADD patient on crack right now.
my mind is running a millions miles a minute, and my fingers are just trying to keep up.
without any overwrought introduction, i am just going to dive in.
(however, i have decided to number my thoughts so, at least, on some level, they are easier to follow)
1- it is crazy to me, sometimes, how things work out. there was a commercial on tv today for these 3m hooks that you can use to hang things on the wall. they require no nails or screws and it is even suggested in the commercial that they are perfect for dorm rooms.
which got me thinking about my own dorm room back in 2004, and the fact that i, too, used those hooks, to hold up my hairdryer and straightener in the bathroom of my dorm room when i was a freshman at texas a&m.
which then caused me to remember some key moments i had in that horrible fluorescent lit room and what the status of my life was then-- and what i thought it would turn out to be-- and what it is now.
and WHOA. never would have seen this coming. and i don't just mean where i am, but with and without whom.
the man i was with at the time is now married (not to me-- spoiler alert!), and i am living with a man i had no idea even existed at the precious time in my life when i thought i had it all figured out.
this whole thought process alone made me realize, today, how crazy life is and how much you can develop plans and expectations that will never come even remotely close to coming true. and that, before you know it, you will find yourself in a place you never expected. and neither the former or the latter are bad; they just "are".
2- i thought i was a good writer. and to be fair to myself, i am not bad. i think i am pretty capable of conveying, via the written word, a certain notion or (even) emotion. however, i have done some long form writing recently and i thought it was good. and i was wrong.
there are a lot of flaws to my long form writing skills. when i was in graduate school, i never attempted to be a "writer"; it kind of fell in my lap.
and because it did, i have operated under the gross misconception that i am good at it. and i am not. i made a lot of mistakes as a writer of long-form essay and narrative that other scholars of the craft would not. listening to the sessions at the mayborn conference confirmed this for me.
and i am humbled by finally realizing that fact. if that is really a frontier i want to traverse, i have a lot of work to do. i am not nearly as good as i thought i was; i have much to learn.
3- mosquitos suck. what is the status of west nile in the dfw area at present? i am a little concerned at this point because i am sitting outside and killing mosquitos left and right. should i be worried?
4- regardless of anything else, does a woman ever reach a point where she doesn't want to be a pretty girl?
i need to explain. long story short, i have never been a beauty queen. i have been overweight, broken out and afflicted with braces. i have been through every awkward stage imaginable without terrible memories. and by that i mean that i managed to develop a friend and support base outside of my physical (or lack thereof) acumen. simply put- i have never had friends or popularity from being pretty. my personality has carried me through every era of my life and i am happy about that. i am grateful that i know that what i have done in my life is completely as a result of who i am and nothing else.
that said, every girl wants to feel pretty and desired. and while i have had those- FLEETING- moments in my life, i am one that is remembered for more than that.
and while i appreciate that, i have not automatically been absolved of any desire to be appreciated for how i look. and that has rarely happened. in fact, my best friends in college where always desired physically more than i ever was, and as an adult, i am experiencing that same reality with my sister.
my sister has always been a babe, don't get me wrong (this is a moment where i am painfully aware that i am a bad writer, by the way), but she seems to be the one i always hear about in my adult life that makes me want to run my head into cement.
what she doesn't know is that a kid i had a HUGE crush on when i was a freshman in high school, pulled me aside one day to tell me how hot he though kelly (my sister) was, and i revisited that moment again today when a coworker pulled me aside to say the same thing. and then follow it up with an inquiry about her relationship status.
and i guess the thing here that i am writing through is two-fold. i KNOW my sister is gorgeous. she always has been. she has the teeth, the hair, the height and the effort-- by that i mean, she makes an effort to look awesome and it pays off (on a level i don't for various reasons); she has everything in place to be a wanted person. that is her and she has earned it. not only has she earned it, she has worked for it. she truly does deserve to be acknowledged for being gorgeous. because she absolutely is. and she delivers nothing less than that every time she steps out.
i guess for me, i am resigned to what i have to work with and what i have to do this summer; i am not trying to make friends or date someone. i am trying to make money and thus, when i go in to work, i am clean and scrubbed and showing up to work to make money. i am not trying to look good or impress anyone; i am showing up to work and nothing else. and i guess i am a little blindsided by the fact that my lack of effort is noticed. my sister comes in a few times and the common conversation is about how beautiful she is. and then there's me.
me. it's difficult for anyone to acknowledge my worth, it always comes down to one thing.
i am the smart one.
it's the congenial title because kelly isn't not smart; she is smart AND beautiful. i am just smart. so i get that title, but more out of default.
i guess the long and the short of what i am getting at is that, being the "smart one" sucks. even if it is the truth or the let down.
just once, i would love to be appreciated for more than that....outside of why my friends or family offer in a greater sense outside of what i do. MAYBE, once, for how i look (yea right), or for being funny; something other than being "smart". that is a nice way of saying someone is pretentious, assuming and diminutive. but i guess i can take comfort in knowing that someone in my family is aesthetically pleasing, even though i am not. i guess i will always have that oppressive card to hold over everyone's head and nothing else altogether.
wish i could be more.
my mind is running a millions miles a minute, and my fingers are just trying to keep up.
without any overwrought introduction, i am just going to dive in.
(however, i have decided to number my thoughts so, at least, on some level, they are easier to follow)
1- it is crazy to me, sometimes, how things work out. there was a commercial on tv today for these 3m hooks that you can use to hang things on the wall. they require no nails or screws and it is even suggested in the commercial that they are perfect for dorm rooms.
which got me thinking about my own dorm room back in 2004, and the fact that i, too, used those hooks, to hold up my hairdryer and straightener in the bathroom of my dorm room when i was a freshman at texas a&m.
which then caused me to remember some key moments i had in that horrible fluorescent lit room and what the status of my life was then-- and what i thought it would turn out to be-- and what it is now.
and WHOA. never would have seen this coming. and i don't just mean where i am, but with and without whom.
the man i was with at the time is now married (not to me-- spoiler alert!), and i am living with a man i had no idea even existed at the precious time in my life when i thought i had it all figured out.
this whole thought process alone made me realize, today, how crazy life is and how much you can develop plans and expectations that will never come even remotely close to coming true. and that, before you know it, you will find yourself in a place you never expected. and neither the former or the latter are bad; they just "are".
2- i thought i was a good writer. and to be fair to myself, i am not bad. i think i am pretty capable of conveying, via the written word, a certain notion or (even) emotion. however, i have done some long form writing recently and i thought it was good. and i was wrong.
there are a lot of flaws to my long form writing skills. when i was in graduate school, i never attempted to be a "writer"; it kind of fell in my lap.
and because it did, i have operated under the gross misconception that i am good at it. and i am not. i made a lot of mistakes as a writer of long-form essay and narrative that other scholars of the craft would not. listening to the sessions at the mayborn conference confirmed this for me.
and i am humbled by finally realizing that fact. if that is really a frontier i want to traverse, i have a lot of work to do. i am not nearly as good as i thought i was; i have much to learn.
3- mosquitos suck. what is the status of west nile in the dfw area at present? i am a little concerned at this point because i am sitting outside and killing mosquitos left and right. should i be worried?
4- regardless of anything else, does a woman ever reach a point where she doesn't want to be a pretty girl?
i need to explain. long story short, i have never been a beauty queen. i have been overweight, broken out and afflicted with braces. i have been through every awkward stage imaginable without terrible memories. and by that i mean that i managed to develop a friend and support base outside of my physical (or lack thereof) acumen. simply put- i have never had friends or popularity from being pretty. my personality has carried me through every era of my life and i am happy about that. i am grateful that i know that what i have done in my life is completely as a result of who i am and nothing else.
that said, every girl wants to feel pretty and desired. and while i have had those- FLEETING- moments in my life, i am one that is remembered for more than that.
and while i appreciate that, i have not automatically been absolved of any desire to be appreciated for how i look. and that has rarely happened. in fact, my best friends in college where always desired physically more than i ever was, and as an adult, i am experiencing that same reality with my sister.
my sister has always been a babe, don't get me wrong (this is a moment where i am painfully aware that i am a bad writer, by the way), but she seems to be the one i always hear about in my adult life that makes me want to run my head into cement.
what she doesn't know is that a kid i had a HUGE crush on when i was a freshman in high school, pulled me aside one day to tell me how hot he though kelly (my sister) was, and i revisited that moment again today when a coworker pulled me aside to say the same thing. and then follow it up with an inquiry about her relationship status.
and i guess the thing here that i am writing through is two-fold. i KNOW my sister is gorgeous. she always has been. she has the teeth, the hair, the height and the effort-- by that i mean, she makes an effort to look awesome and it pays off (on a level i don't for various reasons); she has everything in place to be a wanted person. that is her and she has earned it. not only has she earned it, she has worked for it. she truly does deserve to be acknowledged for being gorgeous. because she absolutely is. and she delivers nothing less than that every time she steps out.
i guess for me, i am resigned to what i have to work with and what i have to do this summer; i am not trying to make friends or date someone. i am trying to make money and thus, when i go in to work, i am clean and scrubbed and showing up to work to make money. i am not trying to look good or impress anyone; i am showing up to work and nothing else. and i guess i am a little blindsided by the fact that my lack of effort is noticed. my sister comes in a few times and the common conversation is about how beautiful she is. and then there's me.
me. it's difficult for anyone to acknowledge my worth, it always comes down to one thing.
i am the smart one.
it's the congenial title because kelly isn't not smart; she is smart AND beautiful. i am just smart. so i get that title, but more out of default.
i guess the long and the short of what i am getting at is that, being the "smart one" sucks. even if it is the truth or the let down.
just once, i would love to be appreciated for more than that....outside of why my friends or family offer in a greater sense outside of what i do. MAYBE, once, for how i look (yea right), or for being funny; something other than being "smart". that is a nice way of saying someone is pretentious, assuming and diminutive. but i guess i can take comfort in knowing that someone in my family is aesthetically pleasing, even though i am not. i guess i will always have that oppressive card to hold over everyone's head and nothing else altogether.
wish i could be more.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
thoughts unrelated to the olympics...
So I decided at the onset of the Olympics that I would dedicate my Facebook solely to the greatest sports contest EVER, and refrain from posting anything unrelated. Thus far, I have done just that (save one post).
However, I still feel compelled to share some thoughts I have that exist outside of that very contest.
So, here they are.
The past is a tricky thing.
A lot of times, it is a demon that needs to be slayed or a memory that needs to be suppressed. And in a lot of cases, I fall into the category of people that would rather not think about what has gone on in the years that have lapsed in my life.
Yet, for as much as I have appreciated distance from my previous transgressions, I guess I have failed to hold on to the things from my past that were good; even great. Tonight, I was reminded of sone such example.
When it comes to football season or direct newsworthy mention of my alma mater, I am quick to respond. I am defensive of Texas A&M and always will be. However, sometimes I forget that my pride for my university exists outside of controversy, contest or reverence; it exists as sure as the sun does rise.
And, I don't care what anyone says, but it is impressive and noteworthy that I graduated from a school such as Texas A&M...and on time with decent grades. I DID that; I ACHIEVED that; I WILL ALWAYS be able to say that I am a graduate of that (more than) fine institution. Nothing will EVER take that away from me. EVER.
I have that even if I have nothing else.
And that is something to celebrate. And I feel like I have gotten too bogged down in the mistakes of my past to truly appreciate just exactly what being able to say that means.
Because it means a great deal. To a lot of people. One of those people being me.
So here I am, a constant critic and perfectionist, taking a break from my personal scourging as a result of my mistakes and enjoying the fact that I did something great that can never be undone. And that is awesome. No matter what I do or don't do; mistakes I make; failures that are sure to come my way, I did this amazing thing that will never fall into a category of disappointment.
That is awesome. Today, tomorrow and always.
Yet, as i think about the past, I also have to know how to bury my demons; I have a lot.
But they are what and who they are and I cannot take any of them back; not now, not ever.
I have seen great, I have known great and I have loved great. And with great success comes great failure; I've known them both.
I have failed in that I have sold myself short. I have accepted mediocrity at the expense of greatness and legitimized it to myself as "life".
I have failed in that I have accepted that people are who they are and will treat me in such a way that they are only capable of. I have taken their shortcomings and transferred them to my own flaws.
I have failed in that I have not known how to deal with weakness and disappointment and chose destructive ways to deal with both. I made myself OK with my actions because I was unhappy.
I have failed in forgetting why and what makes me great. I have chosen to see myself as less rather than a worthy person with much offer.
I have failed in a lot of ways. And I am accepting those failures now.
But no more.
I choose, NOW, not to be held captive by my past. It IS what it is. I cannot change it now. I've done right and good, and I have also done wrong and bad. However, NOW, I choose not to look at those things with fear in my eyes and pain in my heart. They are all a part of what makes me, ME. And I am happy with who that is. And I am no longer going to have shame for it.
Some things have gone my way; a lot of things haven't. But that's life.
I am officially letting myself off the hook for what has passed and, instead, choose to focus on what hasn't, and how I can make THAT the greatest thing about me.
However, I still feel compelled to share some thoughts I have that exist outside of that very contest.
So, here they are.
The past is a tricky thing.
A lot of times, it is a demon that needs to be slayed or a memory that needs to be suppressed. And in a lot of cases, I fall into the category of people that would rather not think about what has gone on in the years that have lapsed in my life.
Yet, for as much as I have appreciated distance from my previous transgressions, I guess I have failed to hold on to the things from my past that were good; even great. Tonight, I was reminded of sone such example.
When it comes to football season or direct newsworthy mention of my alma mater, I am quick to respond. I am defensive of Texas A&M and always will be. However, sometimes I forget that my pride for my university exists outside of controversy, contest or reverence; it exists as sure as the sun does rise.
And, I don't care what anyone says, but it is impressive and noteworthy that I graduated from a school such as Texas A&M...and on time with decent grades. I DID that; I ACHIEVED that; I WILL ALWAYS be able to say that I am a graduate of that (more than) fine institution. Nothing will EVER take that away from me. EVER.
I have that even if I have nothing else.
And that is something to celebrate. And I feel like I have gotten too bogged down in the mistakes of my past to truly appreciate just exactly what being able to say that means.
Because it means a great deal. To a lot of people. One of those people being me.
So here I am, a constant critic and perfectionist, taking a break from my personal scourging as a result of my mistakes and enjoying the fact that I did something great that can never be undone. And that is awesome. No matter what I do or don't do; mistakes I make; failures that are sure to come my way, I did this amazing thing that will never fall into a category of disappointment.
That is awesome. Today, tomorrow and always.
Yet, as i think about the past, I also have to know how to bury my demons; I have a lot.
But they are what and who they are and I cannot take any of them back; not now, not ever.
I have seen great, I have known great and I have loved great. And with great success comes great failure; I've known them both.
I have failed in that I have sold myself short. I have accepted mediocrity at the expense of greatness and legitimized it to myself as "life".
I have failed in that I have accepted that people are who they are and will treat me in such a way that they are only capable of. I have taken their shortcomings and transferred them to my own flaws.
I have failed in that I have not known how to deal with weakness and disappointment and chose destructive ways to deal with both. I made myself OK with my actions because I was unhappy.
I have failed in forgetting why and what makes me great. I have chosen to see myself as less rather than a worthy person with much offer.
I have failed in a lot of ways. And I am accepting those failures now.
But no more.
I choose, NOW, not to be held captive by my past. It IS what it is. I cannot change it now. I've done right and good, and I have also done wrong and bad. However, NOW, I choose not to look at those things with fear in my eyes and pain in my heart. They are all a part of what makes me, ME. And I am happy with who that is. And I am no longer going to have shame for it.
Some things have gone my way; a lot of things haven't. But that's life.
I am officially letting myself off the hook for what has passed and, instead, choose to focus on what hasn't, and how I can make THAT the greatest thing about me.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
homewreckers.
I watched an episode of Friends the other day that has been on my mind.
Essentially in the episode, Rachel's sister comes to NYC to tell Rachel that she is marrying an older man and Rachel rails at the notion because she feels like her sister is falling into the same trap she was with Barry at the onset of the show.
And in the conversation she has with her sister, it comes out that she has a married boyfriend that she has no intention of letting go.
And while the conversation in question in that particular scene draws laughs- as it is intended to- the sentiment has stayed with me.
And it has because, in the past few years (at least for me, personally), it seems that this is a prevailing trend.
And I don't get it.
I have watched a lot of episodes of Cheaters and The Real Housewives of ______ to know that this trend is one that is not just characteristic of a lesser demographic. Furthermore, I have seen the tabloid coverage of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and have experienced first hand how the media handles indiscretion.
That said, infidelity is a very real and large part of modern marriage and a element that terrifies the hell out of me.
And as I attempt to navigate my thoughts on the subject, I have come to a few preliminary conclusions.
1- people cheat.
This is not news. However, it seems to be a more prevalent trend with males than with females. However, as I acknowledge that fact, it is still important to remember that males seem to be the more frequent offenders. Most studies I have looked at have acknowledged that men are twice as more likely to cheat than women.
2- cheating is more prevalent in individuals under the age of 30.
Research is indefinitive, but from what I know about every person I know that has been cheated on in their marriage in recent years, every instance has been in relationships where involved individuals were/are under the age of 30.
3- certain single women go after married men.
There are dating sites-- similar to Match.com (www.ashleymadison.com) -- that cater to infidelity. And these sites-- which offer connections to males seeking females, females seeking males, females seeking females and males seeking males-- report that 22% (an almost majority) of activity is amongst involved men seeking single women.
So, the long and the short of the research involved with infidelity suggests that there is a prevalent trend of single women are seeking unavailable men.
And again, I just don't get it.
Relationships are hard. And one could argue that when needs of any kind are not being met in a relationship, the urge to cheat becomes greater. And I get that. But, that is life. Nothing, on any level whatsoever, can be perfect and fulfilling 100% of the time. Marriage vows acknowledge this reality when they state, regardless of denomination, that "for richer or for poorer, for sickness and in health and in good in bad, till death do us part." The basic idea being, even when it's hard, it's a commitment.
That is the entire idea behind marriage.
Yet, somehow, some people find a way to legitimize seeking fulfillment outside of their marriage or relationship when eras of meagerness come about. And regardless of the human weakness that accompanies that motivation, I do not understand the segment of population that is OK with engaging in a relationship with an involved or married man or woman.
Ultimately, what I cannot understand is why in the hell would you even attempt to connect with a legally obligated individual who is in a lawfully binding union? Why you would choose to be, that girl," that openly chases a married man.
I have seen a lot of parodies of moments in popular culture that acknowledge this trend and am, each and every time, left wanting. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND how a woman chooses to engage in any kind of more-than-platonic interaction with a man who is married OR INVOLVED. That is not a fad or a loosely applied idea; if a man is married, it is law and it is permanent. That means: OFF LIMITS.
However, a good portion of women feel ok engaging in the "unrecognized urges" of married men and dilute themselves into believing that these men are better off with them as a mistress than in a marriage with their spouse.
Essentially, some women are OK with being a dirty secret rather than a choice, and applaud themselves for aiding someone who seeks an enabler more than a companion.
Women have more than enough to rail against; why put yourself on the level of adulterous trash than go after what they want in sacrifice of what has been established by law and ceremonial commitment?
Families, children, hopes, dreams, plans... they all are dashed when stupid women, complacent with being the "other woman", come into the picture.
Long story short-- I am looking at YOU, hard pressed single mother who couldn't keep her legs together and got knocked up, who now attempts to ensnare another woman's husband to correct the wrongs or her indiscretion, and sleeps better at night because she found someone who, "loves her kid."
To you I say-- you are weak. You are not a hard fought example of perseverance and determination. You are a whore; almost as guilty as the prostitutes that make a living on the weathered streets in every city in this nation.
To be exact- a whore is someone who has sex for money; to me, your choice to have sex with a married mad to cement stability in you and your child's life is the same thing. And not only are you a whore, but you are also selfish, dumb and incomplete. You may be able to count what you have as a result of someone else's misery and loss, but at the end of the day, you are still a whore that got pregnant and found themself incapable of providing a life to an offspring that deserves better than your bullshit.
I am sorry if that is too harsh, but it's real and true. You are not a hero for finding a father for your child; you are a whore who found a way to steal someone else's husband to help you manage your life.
Bravo. Thanks for your contribution to the women's movement and the hard-fought battle too many deserving women have waged to earn respect.
Congratulations on getting your bills paid, home wrecker. Try to enjoy your "victory" now; it's ill-gotten and worth nothing in the long run. You haven't earned a shred of respect or perseverance; if anything, all you have earned is a badge of weakness and incompetence. SHAME ON YOU for enabling infidelity and dragging a child into it along YOUR way.
SHAME ON YOU for rationalizing your decisions to yourself and deciding that they are ok.
SHAME ON YOU for expecting nothing better of yourself than to be an adulterous whore; that's who you are. Face it now, even if you can make yourself feel better by whose husband you snagged.
And yes, if it wasn't obvious-- I hate you. I hate you for going after an involved man and I hate you for thinking your single parent-ship gives you the right. You were a whore then and you still are one now, regardless of whoever's husband you got to be with you. Enjoy your life with a man who has no problem moving on when he finds the grass greener; I GUARANTEE you that fate will befall you before too long.
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