New Direction

So, it has recently been brought to my attention that this blog (that began as a witty and somewhat amusing critique on social behavior) has turned into a maudlin WHINE about my bullshit.

So, to that end, I have been thinking about this blog and how to get back to the original idea of lighthearted teasing on prevailing trends that I don't get.

And basically all I have come up with is that I cannot write an entire blog about window cling-on family figures.

Seriously- what is the deal with that?

I GET that the second a girl gets engaged, the most gratifying moment actually occurs when said girl gets to change her relationship status on Facebook from 'single' to 'engaged'. Furthermore, once said girl becomes a mom, gratification from proving life superiority becomes obsolete only because the 'fact' that the cuteness of her kid is so life changing, she cannot begin to think of shedding light on any other part of her life and said kid takes full control. And beyond that, I suppose I get that you might be so in love with your family and subsequent procreations that you feel the need to emblazon your vehicle with a cling-on of their likeness(es) so that all that pass you on the freeway may know about your fertile marriage...

I guess...

But actually not. Putting a white, acrylic post-it (basically) of your family on your rear window is not akin to putting a Brinks sign in your front flowerbed; you don't do it to deter the legions of intentional automobile accident makers. You do it to make sure anyone that sees your Dodge Caravan knows that you don't drive a shitty mom-mobile for no reason; you drive it because you've cranked out a few rugrats.

So basically, the back window of a vehicle is the new Facebook relationship status. Bravo. You are keeping up with the Kardashians.

End blog.

So, because that rant seems limitedly gratifying, I have abstained from making an entry because of shallow material.

But still, the criticism of my new, sappy behavior with this blog remains.

So, I have been mulling it over. And this is what I have decided.

I am going to write a book.

(pause for reaction)

I don't know if the Good Lord is smiling on me or what, but I constantly find myself confronted with moments that I swear no one would ever believe. In fact, I post a great deal of these moments on Facebook and hear as much. So it got me thinking.

Mostly, it made me think about this blog and a great deal of the, "are you fucking serious!?" moments I have experienced that take far longer than a blog post to describe; so I thought about it, very much the way I  said before, and noticed that verbal storytelling is still worthwhile and the reaction is similar...so what's a girl to do?

Write a book.

Calm down, I am not going to do it all in one sitting, but I am going to start. Because, seriously, I don't make this shit up, and I have literally had a homeless man named Bryan storm into my office (in pink high heels) and demand I call him Kayla. And that is just one example. Don't begin to inquire about my most eventful train ride in Europe-- that's chapter three.

So, yes, I am going to write a book.

But you, my three faithful readers, I am going to give you the plan of how I am going to pen this work and how I am going to attempt to get it published.

If you didn't know, I went to graduate school. In fact, I did more than visit- I earned a master's. My graduate degree tells potential employers I am a journalist, and thus, and qualified to journalize on a regular basis. My master's program taught me a lot; in fact, it taught me that if I want to write a book, all I have to do is write a worthwhile manuscript and enter it into the Mayborn Conference manuscript competition.

And I intend to do so.

Which obviously begs the question: why the hell would anyone read a book by Lindsey Coyne?

Well, I don't exactly have that answer, but I have a reason why someone would read a book about a person with a regular life who constantly finds themselves bombarded by irregular situations.

Those reasons are named Tina Fey, Jenny Lawson and yes, Mary Karr.

It's called a memoir. And Tina Fey is an obvious draw because she is famous and Mary Karr is a draw because her account of her life is heartbreaking and harrowing and moving. And Jenny...well who of you knows who she is? I didn't know until I read her memoir.

Honestly, I've read half of Tina's book, a third of Mary's and almost all of Jenny's. And that might not have a relevant resonance with you, but to me it says this: horrifically beautiful is hard to swallow, hilarious but unreachable is more approachable and downright accurate to real life to plebeian readers changes a lot.

So for anyone lost: Mary Karr is poignant and devastating, Tina Fey is hysterical and lofty, and Jenny is...fucking real and approachable.

So, that is my aim. I am going to tell my story on the level Jenny felt when she wrote her memoir.

If you haven't read it-- and you should- it's scattered and deliberate, but more than worthy.

So that's my aim.

Not to write Jenny's memoir, but write my own. Every great, hilarious, tragic and questioning story in me is what I have to give and what I no longer feel compelled to hide. It is flowing from me and will equate to a manuscript for the competition. If it evolves beyond that, we'll see.

If not, I guess it's just you and I from here on out...

god really does have a sense of humor...

I owe a LOT of people an apology.

To be clear, though, these people are not individually specific; the apology I owe is more to an entire group of individuals I have formerly judged that I shouldn’t have.

I hold myself to be a nonjudgmental person but have realized that inadvertently, I have managed to find fault with certain people’s life choices that I really knew very little about.

When I was in college, I noticed that I was unlike a lot of the people I came in contact with in that one of my main goals in life was not to be a wife and have a family. To be clear—that was not because I didn’t want those things, it was more because a predominantly dateless high school experience and general invisibility to males in general had convinced me I would never have those things (thank you, therapy). So, as a result, I completely eliminated those possibilities from my imagined future.

And I guess what my fear and insecurity lead me to was not just an idea of a different path, but also a judgment of the one I felt so secluded from.

And I realized I had formed these negative judgments when I found myself living the exact lifestyle I thought I’d never have.

I am not married and as of yet, have no children, but I am in a committed relationship where I run a household and take care of my boyfriend and our four (yes, 4) dogs. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I decorate and shop for holidays, I make lunches, send Christmas cards and generally do everything a (working) housewife does on a daily basis.

When I began this part of my life, I was not particularly good at any of it… mostly because it had become part of my nature to rail against it. However, as time has worn on, I have gotten considerably better at running a household and find that I am actually pretty damn good at keeping all of the proverbial domestic balls in the air.

However, what is taking longer to change is my mindset.

When I was in college, I used to think that women that only strove to be wives and mothers were lacking fundamental dreams and desires. That is not true nor is it fair. Furthermore, I thought women that were content with nothing more than a domestic existence were limited, basic and sad. And, there again, I was wrong.

But what I have not been able to remedy is where I fit in. I want(ed) to be Carrie Bradshaw. I wanted to move to the big city and make a life there. I wanted to start out small and poor and work towards a profound life in a bustling city of activity and opportunity.

What I didn’t anticipate was falling in love.

I didn’t anticipate finding a man in this state who I care so deeply about that staying back and being a domestic partner to was hardly a consideration.

But here I am. And I feel like a fish out of water a lot of days.

Hell, when I make a good dinner from scratch and get all of the laundry done, I feel like I deserve a parade. I feel like I am making such a personal change and sacrifice that I should be acknowledged every single day. And that is ridiculous. I know that.

And all I can figure is that I am constantly seeking that kind of reinforcement because I never thought I would be here and now that I am, I feel like my acquiescence deserves acknowledgement.

And that is complete crap.

I just haven’t figured out how to satisfy the plans I had before I fell in love. I haven’t found out how to do this without feeling like I am selling out to an idea that was ridiculously short sided in the first place. Logically, I know I am not a failure for moving towards this path than the one I originally intended, but emotionally I still feel like I am settling.

But I have considered walking away.

I swore I would never settle, and a few months ago, I seriously considered forsaking it all and just moving- sight unseen- and doing what I thought I’d always do. And when I really, truly considered the possibility, I realized that life would only fulfill me for so long before I would look back to this life and feel unsettled.

So, basically, I realized that there is no “dream life”; not really. There are different lifestyle choices with discernible upsides and downsides, but in the end, neither choice guarantees absolute fulfillment.

So here I am. I decided, after all of this thinking and soul searching that right where I am is where I need and want to be. And I am working on the lingering draws to the big apple.

But in the mean time, I feel more than inclined to admit that caring for a household is a lot of work and necessitates a smart woman with the ingenuity and fortitude expected from a woman charged with running any kind of business in any kind of market imaginable.

Guess the joke is on me.

I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely, 100% wrong.

love from afar...

"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual."


Well, there you have it. That pretty much sums up my life from three years ago. If you are unfamiliar-- that quote is by Iris from the movie The Holiday; she starts out the movie in a dead-end job where she works alongside the man she has been in unrequited love with for over three years.

I have probably seen this movie 10 times, but never noticed this monologue until tonight. And what I have to say is...

This is probably one of the best ways to describe the life of a person who has unrequited feelings for another. I know this because I did it for two years about four-and-a-half years ago.

I remember I was young(er) and naive specifically telling someone that I didn't believe you could fall into any real kind of love with someone that didn't love you back. And then it happened to me. Maybe it was God or karma's way of showing me I don't know nearly as much as I think I do, but regardless, I went through this exact thing myself and it SUCKS.

To be clear, though, I am different from the character of Iris in that I never let my feelings continue until the object of my affection got engaged. I was fortunate enough to move on before that happened. But for the two years I was caught in the insufferable vortex of pain that unrequited love truly is, I went through my share of crap.

I was there each and every time the person I loved had a new love interest or drunken weekend hook-up to tell me about. I offered countless amounts of advice about how to approach women, work with them in relationships and bestow specific affection when the time called for it. I was there for him through in and through out all of the women that crossed his path in over two years-- this after I had told him about my feelings.

So why did I do it? Why did Iris do what she did? I realize the one of us is fictional, but the other is not. And I did those things and never batted so much as an eye in front of him, all the while I suffered considerably in silence.

And this moment tonight when I finally HEARD these words from this movie that so closely mirror what I went through, I am left- for the first time really- wondering why I ever held on for so long.

Well the most obvious answer to that quandary is hope. I hoped he would have a Taylor Swift moment of clarity and realize that, "what you're looking for has been here the whole time..." And that is not a guess-- I remember the first time I heard that song-- I thought exactly that.

Moreover, I found purpose in being needed. I am not one to think the worst of others and I will not entertain the idea that he asked for my input and advice because he wanted to keep me vested in my feelings for him. Rather, I choose to believe he kept coming to me DESPITE knowing how I felt because, outside of the awkwardness of knowing I had feelings for him that he didn't for me, he really needed and appreciated my input.

Lastly, I think I hung in there because I was more comfortable being in a position of influence with him than having nothing at all. That something was better than nothing.

But I guess, if everything else is thrown out, the most reasonable explanation for my own masochism is that I just loved him. And everything I did came from that.

For the record-- I rescind my original assertion. TRUE unrequited love DOES happen and is possible-- in fact, it is probably one of the most pure forms of love in existence.

And I guess that is what I finally came to tonight. Love without and kind of leverage, power or reward is completely pure in its form. I loved as I did, blindly and passionately, for years. And I did so with hope, yes for maybe some reciprocation, but more because it was how I felt and I had no inclination whatsoever to avoid or deny it. Because I felt in my heart, all the way down to my core, that my love was something that could give him a life and a feeling of love and contentment he had never known.

And what's funny is that I knew on day one exactly what I knew the day I stopped loving him-- that he would never feel the same way. I always knew it. And the day it finally hit me in the face like a ton of bricks, I wasn't surprised. If anything, I was defeated. I fought the inevitable from the beginning. I not only fought it, but i endured it with considerable sacrifice on the whim it would work out in my favor. But there I was, that day, completely aware that over two years worth of emotion and thought and desire were for nothing.I knew it in that moment as potently as I knew it the day I told him how I felt and he declined to respond. And every day after than he perpetually ignored my sentiment.

A lot of people close to me encourage me to hate and blame him for my past heartache; that is a waste of time. He never asked me to love him. Beyond that, he never insisted I hang on after he made it clear he didn't feel the same feelings for me. It is no one's fault but my own that I held on to a fantasy I knew long ago would never come to fruition.

This movie tonight actually helped me make some peace with this part of my past...because I finally accepted my heartbreak was my choice, not his, and I am to blame for how long it went on.

So, here I am, far beyond that time, and I have to count that era as a part of my life I cannot eliminate. It is what it is. And I guess tonight, I have finally decided to accept it.

It sucks when the person you love doesn't love you back...but even then, there are things to learn that help you grow that will make you ready to healthily love the person that is waiting for your love as much as you've always waited for it yourself.

And when you do, you will find a love and commitment greater than you ever imagined waiting for you; in fact, you will find it has been waiting for you for quite a long time and what that feels and means is so much greater than the best fantasy you ever had about the man that never wanted you back.

So hang in there if you feel invisible and unloved-- truth is, the person worthy of you is just waiting for you to move beyond your heartache and finally see them for every wonderful thing they are...and that they have been waiting this whole time for you...

because that is what was on the other side for me. and i have never looked back. not once. i have also never been happier. think about that.

consider both sides...

I have a lot of respect for any individual- regardless of political affiliation- who runs for office. It is not easy to put who you are, your family and everything you have ever done on a chopping block for all to see and criticize. It take a huge amount of confidence and gumption to out yourself out there and say, “yes, I can lead you.”

To that end, though, I do have experience where it relates to being involved in an election. And whenever I tune in to political commentary and debate, my experience always comes in to play.

And I guess what I think overall is the ultimate message of this particular blog.

Yes, I certainly do have my political beliefs. And I would be willing to bet that most people that follow my Facebook or blog can probably guess to which party I align. However, that aside, I still have some thoughts that transcend that altogether.

I see an increasing trend of people on both sides of the political spectrum that spew hate for the opposition. For a great number of conservatives today it is Obama; they act as if his mere presence as a president is offensive. For liberals, the acknowledgement of Romney as a presidential candidate is akin to an endorsement of Hitler for president. To each side I say: you are wrong.

In 2008, Obama ran a campaign against Senator McCain and won. Fair and square. And he did so outside of a contestable margin. He won by an arguable landslide. McCain, as the revered veteran and POW would not have conceded the victory had that not been the case. Yet a great number of conservative act as if he held McCain at gunpoint and stole it from his grasp.

In fact, the last presidency that incurred a contestable result was the election of 2004 between George W. Bush and Al Gore. That election was decided by the Supreme Court. And the man that took office for the following 4 years was NOT the winner of the popular vote (as it were). That is not what happened between Obama and McCain. The win was definitive and it went to Obama.

With the same token, certain liberals act as if Romney somehow defied some kind of human test or ability and is now forcing his way onto the GOP ticket. Some liberals act as if they are almost offended by his presence…however, we all know they would act that way about any GOP candidate. But Romney was appointed the candidate of his party after strong an indisputable performance in the primaries. His chance to challenge the incumbent was earned, not taken.

Bottom line—both side of the political spectrum regard opposing candidates as thieves of political opportunity. And that is total crap.

When I was in high school, I was heavily involved in student council. At my high school, membership on that council depended entirely upon student votes. I was first elected by my class and then again my sophomore year. The following year, I was elected by the student body and that same result was repeated my senior year. I never ran unopposed—like a GREAT number of my colleagues did—and I won those elections fair and square. By my senior year, I had held office as a class vice-president, class president, student body secretary and finally, student body president. And I won definitively every year. Each and every time. However, I still had my critics. I still dealt with those mutterings behind my back about things being, “rigged,” or the favorable outcome coming as a result of my father’s employment at my high school. I assure you, as a close confidant of the administrator in charge of student elections, that was never close to the truth. Yet, I dealt with those doubters from the beginning to the end of each of offices I ever held.

So, I guess skepticism and doubt are a part of the process. I get that.

But what I do not get is the hatred. And I mean what I say when I use the word ‘hatred’.

The beauty of the American way is democracy. And democracy means that whoever wants to run for political office can do so.  And that, regardless of the electoral college and the inherent flaws therein, that the person most wanted for the job gets it.

However, individuals from both the Left and the Right treat opposing candidates like absconding thieves! And that is completely ridiculous!

Obama won the election in 2008 fair and square. Regardless of the job you think he has done since then, he earned the right to be the president in the meantime. With the same token, Romney EARNED the right to challenge Obama for the presidency; he earned the nomination FAIR AND SQUARE.

At this point, we have a FAIR fight on our hands; to the same degree I waged a fair fight on my opponents in high school. Disagreement on fundamental issues does not make someone undeserving of the right to fight for the opportunity to make it right.

Democracy has empowered our leaders—liked or not—to fix the issues that ail our country. And for me, I sincerely hope the best man wins. We all want and deserve a better tomorrow and I am hoping our leaders—or those that desire to be so--- will deliver that result.

The future of Texas A&M

If you have been so unfortunate as to inquire about my feeling about Governor Rick Perry, you know that the answer to that question is a long, bitter diatribe about the numerous reasons I detest him. And while I could make this entirely about why I cannot stand him, I am going, instead, to focus on the most significant TRUTH about why I do not like him as a politician and why I pray for the day he is finally out of office.

The cover story in the October 2012 issue of Texas Monthly- on newsstands NOW- is titled, "The Battle Over UT." The cover depicts the revered campus clock tower amidst rocket and gun fire, rubble and tanks and beckons the image of a battle ground. Before I even picked it up, I knew EXACTLY what I was about to read...because it STARTED at Texas A&M over two years ago.

And while I have a whole separate tirade as to why TM just NOW decided this is a crisis (when it has been going on for years now) because it has finally come to UT's doorstep (nevermind what it has ALREADY done to Texas A&M), I am going to skip ahead to what's important, because this article really does highlight the problems going on at BOTH schools. I guess a war-torn UT clock tower sells more magazines than a skirmish at Kyle Field, but I digress...

There is a serious crisis happening RIGHT NOW in both College Station and in Austin. And what's at stake is the very thing that you-- and I-- hold as the source of our pride in our Alma Mater-- their pristine academic reputations. THEY ARE IN JEOPARDY.

And that is almost entirely because of Rick Perry.

Without going into gross detail-- seriously, read the TM article if you want names and dates and/or to double check that I am not completely full of shit-- here is the situation.

The Texas Public Policy Foundation-- a "conservative think-tank" located in Austin determined about four years ago that there needed to be reform in public institutions of higher education in the State of Texas. Read-- Texas A&M and The University of Texas.

Generally speaking, these individuals determined that tenured professors with high salaries, as a whole, are not the best individuals to be teaching students because they are too expensive, they dedicate too much time to research and they answer to no one. The reforms they seek to impose would stress, "accountability, efficiency and productivity."

As a result,  they moved to evaluate the public university system in the state because of rising costs of tuition and how that impacts prospective students and families. And that is a just and valid reason to evaluate where fat can be trimmed and things can be changed to try to keep tuition costs down.

But I guess the bigger picture here is that, the Governor cut the education budget in the state and as a result, ALL PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEMS are having to find other ways to bring in the money they did not receive from the state. Tuition was raised in DCCCD for this exact reason; UT and Texas A&M are no exception.

The reforms the TPPF wants to instill would link professor salaries to student evaluations, increase professor workload, quantify the amount of work that professors do and correlate it to the value it beings the university. Essentially, the idea is to change the structure of the university to mimic the efficiency of a major corporation.

What Rick Perry has done, as a result of the agenda of the TPPF, is to appoint his apolitical allies (and generally, a huge segment of the membership of the TPPF) to the Board of Regents of both Texas A&M and The University of Texas. And for those of you that are unsure of how major decisions are made at a university, suffice it to say that the Board of Regents are like mom and dad-- you aren't going anywhere or doing anything without their Permission. for the most part, actually, they tell YOU what to do.

So essentially, good 'ole Rick Perry has infiltrated the powers-at-be at BOTH institutions to impose this agenda...all, they contend, for the sake of the "customer" (AKA-- the student).

I have so many problems with this, I do not even know where to begin.

First of all-- what makes Texas A&M and The University of Texas the schools they are is their academic reputation. Say what you will about what happens on the gridiron, but these institutions are respected on a national scale because of their academics and their RESEARCH STATUS. These schools would NOT be competitive-- and draw the number of students (both domestic and international) to their campuses (which serve to stimulate the local, and thus, state economy)- without those reputations.

WELL, THOSE REPUTATIONS WERE EARNED ON THE BACKS OF PROFESSORS AND THEIR RESEARCH!THE CREDENTIALS OF THOSE REVERED SCHOLARS IS WHY THESE SCHOOLS HAVE GOTTEN TO WHERE THEY ARE. WHAT HOPE DO THEY HAVE OF MAINTAINING SUCH A STATUS WITHOUT THEM?

And that is EXACTLY what Rick Perry wants to attack. To attract the biggest and brightest, you have to offer the biggest and brightest. Is that not what Mac Brown and Kevin Sumlin offer their prospective players? Why should that be any different for students interested in the school for its academics?

Beyond that, linking a professor's salary to student evaluations? Seriously? I am a professor. And I am sure there are a few students that would say I should pay them to be their teacher. College is HARD and immature 18-year-olds who are pissed off they have to read The Canterbury Tales on the same night as their frat's big party are NOT going to write a favorable evaluation of their professor. And THAT GUY is going to affect a seasoned, PhD professors income!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

I am not saying that evaluations should not be factored into job performance, but having them linked to SALARY? Ok, so the most popular teacher makes the most. Cool, sweet-- bet you that teacher decides to stop testing his students altogether and just hands out A's for showing up...he'll be a millionaire.

And as far as pleasing the customer-- well, I was a customer. And I am one of those people they are trying to serve because my parent's couldn't afford tuition and I am saddled with my entire education's worth of student loan debt. And I didn’t struggle to find a job outside of college because of my debt or because I was ill-prepared; I encountered trouble finding a job BECAUSE THE ECONOMY IS IN A DOWNTURN! And what did I do in that time? I worked a job beneath my education level until I could find one that suited my interests and experience and NEVER ONCE did I miss a student loan payment. I still, have never missed a student loan payment.

Furthermore, as I entertain the notion that my student loan debt would be less at the expense of even one day of difference from my college experience (academic or otherwise), I cannot come around to how that would EVER be worth it. I will happily pay my student loans each month until I’m 100 because what I learned from Texas A&M as a student, citizen and human being, truly is priceless to me. And I would be willing to bet that it is priceless to a lot of people, with or without student loans, Texas Aggie or Texas Longhorn. I know my parents wouldn’t trade what money they DID spend to help me out in college for my experience to have been different OR cheaper. And again, I would be willing to bet a LOT of parents would feel the same way.

Lastly-- it is an incredibly ignorant and foolish assertion that professors do whatever they want and only care about research and publishing papers. I teach on the community college level and cannot think of a full-time teacher I work with who is not over extended. I am SURE that translates to 4-year universities as well. To suggest that college professors do not work hard enough-- especially at a school as large and populous as Texas A&M or UT, is absolutely absurd. The suggestion that part-time professionals would be a better fit (as offered by the TFFP) is preposterous! Our adjunct faculty-- AKA, the part-time teachers-- are usually ALWAYS the source of problems. They do not have enough invested in their TEACHING JOB to put in the extra time and commitment NECESSARY to be a teacher. Teaching on the college level requires a lot of extended office time, student meetings, project grading, etc. Try and find me a part-time teacher with a regular full-time job or commitment that is going to give their students the time or attention they require to succeed in college.

(oh did you see that just there...that was Texas A&M's future going down the drain...)

And what I fear is what this spells for future students and the reputations of these two institutions. And that has no relationship whatsoever to politics or my feelings thereof. If you want a cheaper option in the State of Texas—or anywhere for that matter—there are ALWAYS alternatives; Texas Tech, UNT, University of Phoenix, etc. But trying to restructure the core of what makes these institutions the academic pillars they are will do NOTHING but hurt the future of great minds, great students or this great state.

good people.

i am one of those people that chooses to believe that most people are inherently good. i acknowledge that every person may have the occasional proclivity to make bad choices, but on the whole, i firmly believe the best of people out there...whether i know them personally or not.

my boyfriend does not share this same ideal; he actually believes the opposite. to him, until you prove yourself to be a good person, he is probably going to regard you with a certain level of skepticism and doubt. until you have given him no reason to doubt your intentions, he is probably going to assume you have ulterior motives.

certainly it is easy to see how two such differing ideologies could cause some friction; they certainly have in our past as a couple. and what i have always believed is that he is completely irrational and close-minded in his assumptions. 

well, that was until today.

and to clarify- there have been a few situations in the past where things have happened without a provided explanation that we have both chalked up to reasons that support our own belief system. and on those points, we have agreed to disagree.

but today, i guess, i gained a better understanding and insight into his thought process. or at least why he is as skeptical as he is.

case in point-- a few weeks ago i received a promotional email from urban outfitters touting incredible sales and free shipping. well, as a a devoted fan of online shopping and urban outfitters, i perused the sale items and before i knew it, had amassed a shopping cart of about $110 worth of merchandise i promptly purchased and earmarked to be shipped within three days.

i received email confirmation of the purchase and two days later, a subsequent email alerting me the purchase had been shipped. that was on september 17.

so, essentially, every day since about the 20th, i have been rushing home and going straight to the front door to retrieve my package. and everyday, i have been left wanting.

so, today, as i was leaving work, i logged into my urban outfitters account to check the status of my shipment. the website told me it was shipped on the 17th and accepted via UPS on the 20th...to the address i had in denton while i was in graduate school.

this was obviously a mistake. when i logged into urban outfitters the day i made the purchase, that old address was still on file and i promptly updated it to my new address before i ever been to finalize my purchase. however, it was clear that a glitch had occurred somewhere in the process and my purchases had been delivered to the wrong address.

so, i called customer service. and after speaking with the representative who answered the phone and eventually, her supervisor, i was told that when the package was delivered, it was accepted and signed for by "Lindsey Coyne" at the address in question, and as a result, could not be resent or refunded because for urban outfitters purposes, the merchandise had been successfully delivered.

so essentially: the $110 worth of merchandise i paid for was "successfully" delivered and accepted by the new residents of my old duplex in denton. they received the shipment 11 days ago and FRAUDULENTLY signed MY NAME and ACCEPTED a package on my behalf and have not sent in on to its rightful owner. i mean, i could try to convince myself they are looking for a way to send it back to me, but the UPS driver that delivered the package gave them the option to refuse the package if it was wrongly delivered and they chose not to do so. so, essentially, the residents of 1409 paco trail in denton are the new, proud owners of $110 worth of urban outfitters merchandise.

and i guess what i am getting at that is relevant to my original assertion about the nature of people is that, perhaps, i am completely wrong. maybe people out there are minimally interested in doing the right thing and only care about what services their own interests.

what i wish these people knew- because for some reason i think it would make a difference- is that they are stealing from a teacher who makes limited money who took advantage of an opportunity to purchase some things that could be worn to WORK from an establishment who accidentally fucked up the shipping information. could these people possibly understand that stealing $110 out of my pocket IS a big deal and that unless i find a way to rescue my purchase, it will be significantly painful for me at the end of the month when my bank account balance is dwindling and $110 could go along way to help with gas and groceries. how could a stranger not look at a seemingly "free" delivery of clothing and not KNOW that someone spent good money for it and will certainly be missing it when it never hits their doorstep?

all i know is, if i had answered the door that day, all of those things would have crossed my mind. and i would have refused the package so it WOULD make its way to the rightful owner.

 but i guess what i learned is that most people-- or at least these specific individuals- are not me.

because even if i begin to suspect the worst of others, i will never stop expecting the best of myself...

your ship has sailed.

relationships are hard.

in fact, they are damn near crippling.

determining you care enough about a person to establish a life with them- regardless of whether or not it is within a living situation or not- is a difficult thing to navigate.

questions abound; is this right? am i wasting my time? is this the right person? do i want this forever? can we build a family? the list goes on and on...

individuals in committed relationships are plagued by these kinds of questions regularly. and it is not easy to find answers. more often than not, these questions draw answers that only half deal with the question in the first place.

simply put: relationships are hard enough.

so, i guess my point for the evening is this: individuals (man or woman-- they are all equal offenders) outside of committed relationships that may have a past physical or emotional history with a person need to STOP going after people that are involved.

to be specific: do not-- for pleasure, pain or validation-- reach out to a person from the past and plant things in their head that to you, ultimately mean nothing; but to them, mean too much.

at any given point in the past, certain individuals make choices; they choose to be involved or not; they choose to make a move or not; they choose to walk away or not.

whichever description suits you, know that your halfhearted, secondary advances are unwanted.

all they do is confuse and constrain people in the mix that have real feelings, emotions and situations at stake when, at best, all you are trying to do is assuage loneliness, inadequacy and void.

the steps you took years ago when everyone involved was available carry weight; those who weren't good enough for you then have not magically become so now...what has changed is your willingness to be alone or invalidated.

get over yourself. don't drag people who are fighting the good fight down in your insecurity; find what ails you and fix it. don't attempt to bandage your heartache by foolishly playing on the emotions of others from your past.

when you have made a decision and the repercussions sting, why should others have to pay a price for your indecision or lack of judgement?

leave well enough alone and realize that your situation is of your own making and stop preying on others emotions to bring you satisfaction.

what you don't know is that such behavior has far reaching consequences for people far removed from yourself...

people move on and move up. i am not willing to sacrifice what i know and love for some fleeting idea you have about what might have been.

because it isn't. and it never will be. you had your chance. if you really want a shot at another, make real sacrifices and real attempts at the future and see where you end up.

in the mean time, leave me alone. you didn't want me then, you don't want me now. you are waiting for the next best showing, and i'm sure it's probably closer than you think... and it certainly isn't me...