"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual."
Well, there you have it. That pretty much sums up my life from three years ago. If you are unfamiliar-- that quote is by Iris from the movie The Holiday; she starts out the movie in a dead-end job where she works alongside the man she has been in unrequited love with for over three years.
I have probably seen this movie 10 times, but never noticed this monologue until tonight. And what I have to say is...
This is probably one of the best ways to describe the life of a person who has unrequited feelings for another. I know this because I did it for two years about four-and-a-half years ago.
I remember I was young(er) and naive specifically telling someone that I didn't believe you could fall into any real kind of love with someone that didn't love you back. And then it happened to me. Maybe it was God or karma's way of showing me I don't know nearly as much as I think I do, but regardless, I went through this exact thing myself and it SUCKS.
To be clear, though, I am different from the character of Iris in that I never let my feelings continue until the object of my affection got engaged. I was fortunate enough to move on before that happened. But for the two years I was caught in the insufferable vortex of pain that unrequited love truly is, I went through my share of crap.
I was there each and every time the person I loved had a new love interest or drunken weekend hook-up to tell me about. I offered countless amounts of advice about how to approach women, work with them in relationships and bestow specific affection when the time called for it. I was there for him through in and through out all of the women that crossed his path in over two years-- this after I had told him about my feelings.
So why did I do it? Why did Iris do what she did? I realize the one of us is fictional, but the other is not. And I did those things and never batted so much as an eye in front of him, all the while I suffered considerably in silence.
And this moment tonight when I finally HEARD these words from this movie that so closely mirror what I went through, I am left- for the first time really- wondering why I ever held on for so long.
Well the most obvious answer to that quandary is hope. I hoped he would have a Taylor Swift moment of clarity and realize that, "what you're looking for has been here the whole time..." And that is not a guess-- I remember the first time I heard that song-- I thought exactly that.
Moreover, I found purpose in being needed. I am not one to think the worst of others and I will not entertain the idea that he asked for my input and advice because he wanted to keep me vested in my feelings for him. Rather, I choose to believe he kept coming to me DESPITE knowing how I felt because, outside of the awkwardness of knowing I had feelings for him that he didn't for me, he really needed and appreciated my input.
Lastly, I think I hung in there because I was more comfortable being in a position of influence with him than having nothing at all. That something was better than nothing.
But I guess, if everything else is thrown out, the most reasonable explanation for my own masochism is that I just loved him. And everything I did came from that.
For the record-- I rescind my original assertion. TRUE unrequited love DOES happen and is possible-- in fact, it is probably one of the most pure forms of love in existence.
And I guess that is what I finally came to tonight. Love without and kind of leverage, power or reward is completely pure in its form. I loved as I did, blindly and passionately, for years. And I did so with hope, yes for maybe some reciprocation, but more because it was how I felt and I had no inclination whatsoever to avoid or deny it. Because I felt in my heart, all the way down to my core, that my love was something that could give him a life and a feeling of love and contentment he had never known.
And what's funny is that I knew on day one exactly what I knew the day I stopped loving him-- that he would never feel the same way. I always knew it. And the day it finally hit me in the face like a ton of bricks, I wasn't surprised. If anything, I was defeated. I fought the inevitable from the beginning. I not only fought it, but i endured it with considerable sacrifice on the whim it would work out in my favor. But there I was, that day, completely aware that over two years worth of emotion and thought and desire were for nothing.I knew it in that moment as potently as I knew it the day I told him how I felt and he declined to respond. And every day after than he perpetually ignored my sentiment.
A lot of people close to me encourage me to hate and blame him for my past heartache; that is a waste of time. He never asked me to love him. Beyond that, he never insisted I hang on after he made it clear he didn't feel the same feelings for me. It is no one's fault but my own that I held on to a fantasy I knew long ago would never come to fruition.
This movie tonight actually helped me make some peace with this part of my past...because I finally accepted my heartbreak was my choice, not his, and I am to blame for how long it went on.
So, here I am, far beyond that time, and I have to count that era as a part of my life I cannot eliminate. It is what it is. And I guess tonight, I have finally decided to accept it.
It sucks when the person you love doesn't love you back...but even then, there are things to learn that help you grow that will make you ready to healthily love the person that is waiting for your love as much as you've always waited for it yourself.
And when you do, you will find a love and commitment greater than you ever imagined waiting for you; in fact, you will find it has been waiting for you for quite a long time and what that feels and means is so much greater than the best fantasy you ever had about the man that never wanted you back.
So hang in there if you feel invisible and unloved-- truth is, the person worthy of you is just waiting for you to move beyond your heartache and finally see them for every wonderful thing they are...and that they have been waiting this whole time for you...
because that is what was on the other side for me. and i have never looked back. not once. i have also never been happier. think about that.
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