god really does have a sense of humor...

I owe a LOT of people an apology.

To be clear, though, these people are not individually specific; the apology I owe is more to an entire group of individuals I have formerly judged that I shouldn’t have.

I hold myself to be a nonjudgmental person but have realized that inadvertently, I have managed to find fault with certain people’s life choices that I really knew very little about.

When I was in college, I noticed that I was unlike a lot of the people I came in contact with in that one of my main goals in life was not to be a wife and have a family. To be clear—that was not because I didn’t want those things, it was more because a predominantly dateless high school experience and general invisibility to males in general had convinced me I would never have those things (thank you, therapy). So, as a result, I completely eliminated those possibilities from my imagined future.

And I guess what my fear and insecurity lead me to was not just an idea of a different path, but also a judgment of the one I felt so secluded from.

And I realized I had formed these negative judgments when I found myself living the exact lifestyle I thought I’d never have.

I am not married and as of yet, have no children, but I am in a committed relationship where I run a household and take care of my boyfriend and our four (yes, 4) dogs. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I decorate and shop for holidays, I make lunches, send Christmas cards and generally do everything a (working) housewife does on a daily basis.

When I began this part of my life, I was not particularly good at any of it… mostly because it had become part of my nature to rail against it. However, as time has worn on, I have gotten considerably better at running a household and find that I am actually pretty damn good at keeping all of the proverbial domestic balls in the air.

However, what is taking longer to change is my mindset.

When I was in college, I used to think that women that only strove to be wives and mothers were lacking fundamental dreams and desires. That is not true nor is it fair. Furthermore, I thought women that were content with nothing more than a domestic existence were limited, basic and sad. And, there again, I was wrong.

But what I have not been able to remedy is where I fit in. I want(ed) to be Carrie Bradshaw. I wanted to move to the big city and make a life there. I wanted to start out small and poor and work towards a profound life in a bustling city of activity and opportunity.

What I didn’t anticipate was falling in love.

I didn’t anticipate finding a man in this state who I care so deeply about that staying back and being a domestic partner to was hardly a consideration.

But here I am. And I feel like a fish out of water a lot of days.

Hell, when I make a good dinner from scratch and get all of the laundry done, I feel like I deserve a parade. I feel like I am making such a personal change and sacrifice that I should be acknowledged every single day. And that is ridiculous. I know that.

And all I can figure is that I am constantly seeking that kind of reinforcement because I never thought I would be here and now that I am, I feel like my acquiescence deserves acknowledgement.

And that is complete crap.

I just haven’t figured out how to satisfy the plans I had before I fell in love. I haven’t found out how to do this without feeling like I am selling out to an idea that was ridiculously short sided in the first place. Logically, I know I am not a failure for moving towards this path than the one I originally intended, but emotionally I still feel like I am settling.

But I have considered walking away.

I swore I would never settle, and a few months ago, I seriously considered forsaking it all and just moving- sight unseen- and doing what I thought I’d always do. And when I really, truly considered the possibility, I realized that life would only fulfill me for so long before I would look back to this life and feel unsettled.

So, basically, I realized that there is no “dream life”; not really. There are different lifestyle choices with discernible upsides and downsides, but in the end, neither choice guarantees absolute fulfillment.

So here I am. I decided, after all of this thinking and soul searching that right where I am is where I need and want to be. And I am working on the lingering draws to the big apple.

But in the mean time, I feel more than inclined to admit that caring for a household is a lot of work and necessitates a smart woman with the ingenuity and fortitude expected from a woman charged with running any kind of business in any kind of market imaginable.

Guess the joke is on me.

I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely, 100% wrong.