The Past

I don't know if it is because I am a girl, overly analytical, or a deeply emotional individual, but I am constantly introspective about my past. Whenever I move on to a new chapter in my life, I feel compelled to trace back through the years that have preceded it and marvel at how everything has catalyzed my presence in a new reality. Usually the self talk goes like this:

"If ________ hadn't happened, then I wouldn't have decided to _________, and then because of that, ________wouldn't have happened, which would not have put me in this job to have this conversation with this individual who suggested I try ________, which had I not considered, I wouldn't be doing ________."

And so on and so forth. Interchange the situations in the blanks, and by that rationale, it is easily explained how I have reached certain moments in my life. Most days, that thought process is healthy. I can wade through my successes and failures and see how they all worked interdependently to bring me exactly to where I am supposed to be.

And I consider that it is, "where I am supposed to be," because I have evolved positively within and without each situation I have found myself in. Be it my undergrad, my masters, or my post graduate school existence, whether I was pleased with my life or not, I know that where I am now is an improvement on where I came from. Essentially, I feel like the progression of my life has been natural and positive; I have no misgivings or second thoughts about that whatsoever. It is unmistakable to me that everything that has happened to me has had a greater purpose that has led me to the precise spot in which I find myself. I am as sure about that as I am my name and address.

And that's what I guess I don't really understand. I logically know that where I am is the best place I can be. And where, ultimately, I should be. And I am happy. I still do, however, have realistic (and very unrealistic) aspirations hanging over my head; that's human nature. If you aren't aspiring to something better, you're not living, right?

But when I table my desire to uproot my boyfriend, family, and everyone I would like to see on a regular basis and move to Paris, and take a panoramic view of my life, I am fulfilled. If you would have asked me five years ago if I'd be here, I'd have laughed at you. And as improbable as it might have seemed then, it makes perfect sense to me now.

However, I still have emotional ties to my past that I cannot seem to shake. And I don't get that.

If I were still involved with the individuals and situations from my past, I wouldn't be here in this place and in this lifestyle that I do feel at home in.  I think back to the first relationship I was ever in. It was far from conventional and very much unlike any relationship I have ever been in since. And when it was ripped from me, I felt like I was torn in half. I spent years trying to feel whole again. That was not an ending I ever foresaw or wanted. And it hit me today as I was driving home, "what if that had never happened? what if it had never ended?" I know without a doubt I would not be here, close to my family, doing a job I love and sharing my life with the person I am. It is hard for me to even imagine what life I would have had that relationship never ended. And when I think about that possibility, I almost laugh, because I know it wasn't for me. Not just because it ended, but because I can logically presume what my life would be like if that relationship had not ended, and that potential life is not one I want. It wasn't then and it sure as hell isn't now.

Skip ahead five years; different relationship, different situation, same ending. And what is different about this particular situation is that, unlike the relationship that preceded it, I know in my heart and in my head, this ending was not only inevitable, but ultimately, the best thing for me. I didn't experience the heartbreak I did back when I was 19 because I always knew that this relationship was temporary. And even though in moments of insecurity disguised as hope (but more ignorance), I thought it could be more, I logically ALWAYS knew there was an expiration date on the entire situation. What bothered me the most about it after the fact, and if I am honest with myself still to this day, is that it happened in a way that I don't think was fair or did any justice to the way I felt at the time or how much of myself I invested in the relationship. I may have known it wouldn't last forever, but that never prevented me from holding back. I gave all of myself to that relationship every single day, and in the end, that is what hurt the most. Because when it ended, that was never acknowledged.

But just like before, I ponder what my life would be like if it had not ended, and I almost shudder. What I am and have now is so much more than what I ever thought I would have or deserve, and imagining staying in that situation then (even if it was my choice) is as preposterous to me as the world ending in December.

But even still, I look back now at all of these emotional scars and am perplexed by the fact that even though I know this is where I am supposed to be, I still care about the past. It's not every day, or even every month; but it is still there, lingering somewhere in my subconscious, that I gave so much of myself to certain people who threw it away like it was nothing, when it was anything but, to me.

How do you really put the past in the past? How do you really understand that heartbreak and disappointment mold who you are as much as success and happiness? Not just understand it, but find comfort in knowing that those mysteries are just...what they are, and find comfort in it? How do you move on from who you were with no closure, and find comfort in where you stand now without answers? Or any hope you will ever receive them?

If you understand it, than you are light years ahead of me.