I'm sure we have all had those moments in life where we have come across pivotal advice. For me, the nugget I always go back to came to me when I was a senior in high school.
My only sibling- my sister- was a sophomore in college when I was 17. She had enrolled and started at Texas Tech University when I was 16 years old and a junior in high school. By the time I was a senior, I was used to her being away and being the sole focus of both of my parents day in and day out.
My senior year, I was president of the student body, secretary of the BLHS choir, caption of the Mock Trial team, a trainer for the softball team and a member of the INTERACT club and committee. Obviously, I was busy and, arguably, over committed.
I had had an incident-- the details of which I still remember to this day- and I called my sister. A club similar to StuCo and one that was supposed to be a "sister" committee had started some drama at BL and my Student Council moderator was on my case about the fall out.
It was as if Sandra Bullock were hosting a dinner party at Tao- and Lindsay Lohan showed up wearing the same dress-- but was pissed, after the fact that Lindsay showed, and Sandra made mention of the wardrobe faux pas and it caused an uproar.
That is the best way to describe the issue. Point being, it was incredibly superficial, but it started drama with the inferior club at my high school, and I, as the main representative of my organization, had to address this seemingly frivolous issue with diplomacy and tact when I felt it was nonsense to begin with. Add adult pressure on top of it, and I was unnerved.
So, I called my sister. And she was inexplicably patient. She heard my entire spiel about the affair- from start to finish- and never interrupted. She listened to my subsequent complaints about all of it and when I finally shut up, I said, "what do you think?"
And this is when she gave me some of the best advice I have ever gotten. She said, "Lindsey, in 5 years, do you think this will matter?"
Well, duh, that answer was hands-down unequivocally, NO. And I said that as much to her. To which she responded, "I wish I had the problems now, in college, that I did in high school. You will get to a point, that you will wish for high school problems, because college problems an beyond are much more important and difficult."
At the time, I didn't get it and our conversation ended abruptly. But, it was not too long after that conversation that I understood exactly what she meant.
I am far out of college now- both undergrad and graduate school, and I still wish for "high school" or even "college" problems here and now...in retrospect to what I am dealing with.
And why this is all relevant-- I was put in a networking position this evening, and was asked to identify possible colleagues from a pool of individuals I might know. The primordial understanding being that some of these people had been asked the same question, and it was clear that the presence of my name indicated directly whether or not they wanted to acknowledge me as an acquaintance, and I could tell from some of the names still available, that my name had come up and been surpassed...and I can directly pinpoint why, now, for reasons that are as a result of college drama.
And when that realization hit me, my first flash of memory came back to my sister and her wise words: "I wish I had the problems now that you do in high school."
Because the "problems" in question I think back to from college, may as well be from a Sweet Valley Twins novel from high school. The setting may be dissimilar, but the tenets are all the same. The drama I experienced in college is similar to the same crap I dealt with in high school: superficial, heresy, and immaterial to life itself.
And essentially what it made me realize, is that, I truly do wish I had the problems I did in high school. And beyond that, I wish I had the problems I did in college. To be honest, I am absolutely FLOORED that now, at 25- almost 26- years of age, am STILL answering tho situations that have passed over 3-4 years ago. When you decide to take a real job, move to a specific city, take a WIFE (or a husband) and set your sights on procreating, where is the place in your life for holding on to the past?
I don't get it.
We all graduated from high school 6 years ago, and college 4 years ago. When are you adult enough to let the past be the past? Mistakes be nothing more than that? And wishes nothing more than conversation meant for dreams? When do you choose to leave drama where it belongs? In the past?
You would think.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Pissy Pants Nancy's
I am highly annoyed. Nay, angered. Actually, more disappointed? I am not sure actually which one of those is my current dominant emotion, but the mix of all there has incited a HUGE desire for me to smack someone across the face.
Truth: The world we live in is a crap shoot. People lie, people steal, people cheat and people kill. They do it here, they do it there, and it happens in every age group spanning from the adolescent to the elderly. There I said it. I ACKNOWLEDGE that there are bad things and bad people out there. A healthy amount (key word being HEALTHY) of skepticism in this world is a good thing; I am not suggesting that it is heartless or unfair because, like I said, there are bad things and bad people in this world.
HOWEVER, when it gets to a point that you cannot seem to take ANYTHING ANYONE DOES and see the value and the legitimacy to it WITHOUT feeling compelled to tear it a part, you have a problem. That is NOT healthy skepticism. I don't know what the intelligent word for that is. Negativity is too benign and assholery is not a word.
I don't give a shit if you knew about or cared about the children of Uganda before yesterday. I don't care if you have other issues you think are more important or think the U.S. needs to focus on fixing it's own problems before trying to solve everyone else's. That fine. Having a different OPINION about these things is completely acceptable. This is, of course, America, and you are entitled to your own opinion. And unfortunately for me and everyone else with a Facebook and Twitter account, I am subjected to your one-sided, ill-informed and overly controverted rants on a daily basis.
Here is what I don't understand:
When someone takes up a cause that really is unequivocally something that is right and good, why do people feel it necessary to go OUT OF THEIR WAY to tear it apart? And if they can't find flagrant mistruths or propaganda, revert to overly questioning and underminding an individual's motives? AND THEN, proceed to make flip statements that what this person wants to do is wrong, unintelligible, or misguided.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU??
To reiterate, I good sense of healthy skipticism is not a bad thing, but being a bully is. The man behind Kony 2012 is a man who did work in Africa who gained FIRSTHAND KNOWLEDGE of what was going on...and he tried to do something about it. Then he had a son. He became a parent. He received a wonderful gift that gave him unimaginable understanding of how devestating the situation in Uganda is. So his work became his life's mission and he wants to do something to help those children because he cannot imagine his own son meeting that same fate.
And all a bunch of whiney, pissant individuals want to tear him apart like he is Adolf Hitler and is promoting the tenets of the Third Reich. Going as far as to say that all of the people he has reached that DO want to do something about it now, have no RIGHT to care because they can't pick Uganda off of a map.
Well, to you I say: get your eyes and your ears checked, my friend. This man's mission isn't about geography, it's about right and wrong. It's about human DECENCY. This man wants to give these children a life and a chance to enjoy the same freedom AND maybe even some day, the same anonymity you have sitting on your mom's couch in your underwear posulatiing on how astupid everyone else in this world is. Any human being (SUCH AS YOURSELF, may I remind you) that had the luxury and great fortune to be born into a world where they didn't have to worry about being raped, forced into a military before the age of 10, or watched their parents or siblings murdered right in front of them, SHOULD CARE about those that do not have the same fortune. And that is ALL this man is trying to do.
And you sit there and pick him apart like his mission is a lie and he is a monster. Today, I do not understand YOU. If I am some giant, collosal moron for deciding to donate to and care about this very worthwhile cause because I was insipired by one man's passion and bravery, then feel free to call my village and report that they have a new idiot in town.
Truth: The world we live in is a crap shoot. People lie, people steal, people cheat and people kill. They do it here, they do it there, and it happens in every age group spanning from the adolescent to the elderly. There I said it. I ACKNOWLEDGE that there are bad things and bad people out there. A healthy amount (key word being HEALTHY) of skepticism in this world is a good thing; I am not suggesting that it is heartless or unfair because, like I said, there are bad things and bad people in this world.
HOWEVER, when it gets to a point that you cannot seem to take ANYTHING ANYONE DOES and see the value and the legitimacy to it WITHOUT feeling compelled to tear it a part, you have a problem. That is NOT healthy skepticism. I don't know what the intelligent word for that is. Negativity is too benign and assholery is not a word.
I don't give a shit if you knew about or cared about the children of Uganda before yesterday. I don't care if you have other issues you think are more important or think the U.S. needs to focus on fixing it's own problems before trying to solve everyone else's. That fine. Having a different OPINION about these things is completely acceptable. This is, of course, America, and you are entitled to your own opinion. And unfortunately for me and everyone else with a Facebook and Twitter account, I am subjected to your one-sided, ill-informed and overly controverted rants on a daily basis.
Here is what I don't understand:
When someone takes up a cause that really is unequivocally something that is right and good, why do people feel it necessary to go OUT OF THEIR WAY to tear it apart? And if they can't find flagrant mistruths or propaganda, revert to overly questioning and underminding an individual's motives? AND THEN, proceed to make flip statements that what this person wants to do is wrong, unintelligible, or misguided.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU??
To reiterate, I good sense of healthy skipticism is not a bad thing, but being a bully is. The man behind Kony 2012 is a man who did work in Africa who gained FIRSTHAND KNOWLEDGE of what was going on...and he tried to do something about it. Then he had a son. He became a parent. He received a wonderful gift that gave him unimaginable understanding of how devestating the situation in Uganda is. So his work became his life's mission and he wants to do something to help those children because he cannot imagine his own son meeting that same fate.
And all a bunch of whiney, pissant individuals want to tear him apart like he is Adolf Hitler and is promoting the tenets of the Third Reich. Going as far as to say that all of the people he has reached that DO want to do something about it now, have no RIGHT to care because they can't pick Uganda off of a map.
Well, to you I say: get your eyes and your ears checked, my friend. This man's mission isn't about geography, it's about right and wrong. It's about human DECENCY. This man wants to give these children a life and a chance to enjoy the same freedom AND maybe even some day, the same anonymity you have sitting on your mom's couch in your underwear posulatiing on how astupid everyone else in this world is. Any human being (SUCH AS YOURSELF, may I remind you) that had the luxury and great fortune to be born into a world where they didn't have to worry about being raped, forced into a military before the age of 10, or watched their parents or siblings murdered right in front of them, SHOULD CARE about those that do not have the same fortune. And that is ALL this man is trying to do.
And you sit there and pick him apart like his mission is a lie and he is a monster. Today, I do not understand YOU. If I am some giant, collosal moron for deciding to donate to and care about this very worthwhile cause because I was insipired by one man's passion and bravery, then feel free to call my village and report that they have a new idiot in town.
Monday, March 5, 2012
The Past
I don't know if it is because I am a girl, overly analytical, or a deeply emotional individual, but I am constantly introspective about my past. Whenever I move on to a new chapter in my life, I feel compelled to trace back through the years that have preceded it and marvel at how everything has catalyzed my presence in a new reality. Usually the self talk goes like this:
"If ________ hadn't happened, then I wouldn't have decided to _________, and then because of that, ________wouldn't have happened, which would not have put me in this job to have this conversation with this individual who suggested I try ________, which had I not considered, I wouldn't be doing ________."
And so on and so forth. Interchange the situations in the blanks, and by that rationale, it is easily explained how I have reached certain moments in my life. Most days, that thought process is healthy. I can wade through my successes and failures and see how they all worked interdependently to bring me exactly to where I am supposed to be.
And I consider that it is, "where I am supposed to be," because I have evolved positively within and without each situation I have found myself in. Be it my undergrad, my masters, or my post graduate school existence, whether I was pleased with my life or not, I know that where I am now is an improvement on where I came from. Essentially, I feel like the progression of my life has been natural and positive; I have no misgivings or second thoughts about that whatsoever. It is unmistakable to me that everything that has happened to me has had a greater purpose that has led me to the precise spot in which I find myself. I am as sure about that as I am my name and address.
And that's what I guess I don't really understand. I logically know that where I am is the best place I can be. And where, ultimately, I should be. And I am happy. I still do, however, have realistic (and very unrealistic) aspirations hanging over my head; that's human nature. If you aren't aspiring to something better, you're not living, right?
But when I table my desire to uproot my boyfriend, family, and everyone I would like to see on a regular basis and move to Paris, and take a panoramic view of my life, I am fulfilled. If you would have asked me five years ago if I'd be here, I'd have laughed at you. And as improbable as it might have seemed then, it makes perfect sense to me now.
However, I still have emotional ties to my past that I cannot seem to shake. And I don't get that.
If I were still involved with the individuals and situations from my past, I wouldn't be here in this place and in this lifestyle that I do feel at home in. I think back to the first relationship I was ever in. It was far from conventional and very much unlike any relationship I have ever been in since. And when it was ripped from me, I felt like I was torn in half. I spent years trying to feel whole again. That was not an ending I ever foresaw or wanted. And it hit me today as I was driving home, "what if that had never happened? what if it had never ended?" I know without a doubt I would not be here, close to my family, doing a job I love and sharing my life with the person I am. It is hard for me to even imagine what life I would have had that relationship never ended. And when I think about that possibility, I almost laugh, because I know it wasn't for me. Not just because it ended, but because I can logically presume what my life would be like if that relationship had not ended, and that potential life is not one I want. It wasn't then and it sure as hell isn't now.
Skip ahead five years; different relationship, different situation, same ending. And what is different about this particular situation is that, unlike the relationship that preceded it, I know in my heart and in my head, this ending was not only inevitable, but ultimately, the best thing for me. I didn't experience the heartbreak I did back when I was 19 because I always knew that this relationship was temporary. And even though in moments of insecurity disguised as hope (but more ignorance), I thought it could be more, I logically ALWAYS knew there was an expiration date on the entire situation. What bothered me the most about it after the fact, and if I am honest with myself still to this day, is that it happened in a way that I don't think was fair or did any justice to the way I felt at the time or how much of myself I invested in the relationship. I may have known it wouldn't last forever, but that never prevented me from holding back. I gave all of myself to that relationship every single day, and in the end, that is what hurt the most. Because when it ended, that was never acknowledged.
But just like before, I ponder what my life would be like if it had not ended, and I almost shudder. What I am and have now is so much more than what I ever thought I would have or deserve, and imagining staying in that situation then (even if it was my choice) is as preposterous to me as the world ending in December.
But even still, I look back now at all of these emotional scars and am perplexed by the fact that even though I know this is where I am supposed to be, I still care about the past. It's not every day, or even every month; but it is still there, lingering somewhere in my subconscious, that I gave so much of myself to certain people who threw it away like it was nothing, when it was anything but, to me.
How do you really put the past in the past? How do you really understand that heartbreak and disappointment mold who you are as much as success and happiness? Not just understand it, but find comfort in knowing that those mysteries are just...what they are, and find comfort in it? How do you move on from who you were with no closure, and find comfort in where you stand now without answers? Or any hope you will ever receive them?
If you understand it, than you are light years ahead of me.
"If ________ hadn't happened, then I wouldn't have decided to _________, and then because of that, ________wouldn't have happened, which would not have put me in this job to have this conversation with this individual who suggested I try ________, which had I not considered, I wouldn't be doing ________."
And so on and so forth. Interchange the situations in the blanks, and by that rationale, it is easily explained how I have reached certain moments in my life. Most days, that thought process is healthy. I can wade through my successes and failures and see how they all worked interdependently to bring me exactly to where I am supposed to be.
And I consider that it is, "where I am supposed to be," because I have evolved positively within and without each situation I have found myself in. Be it my undergrad, my masters, or my post graduate school existence, whether I was pleased with my life or not, I know that where I am now is an improvement on where I came from. Essentially, I feel like the progression of my life has been natural and positive; I have no misgivings or second thoughts about that whatsoever. It is unmistakable to me that everything that has happened to me has had a greater purpose that has led me to the precise spot in which I find myself. I am as sure about that as I am my name and address.
And that's what I guess I don't really understand. I logically know that where I am is the best place I can be. And where, ultimately, I should be. And I am happy. I still do, however, have realistic (and very unrealistic) aspirations hanging over my head; that's human nature. If you aren't aspiring to something better, you're not living, right?
But when I table my desire to uproot my boyfriend, family, and everyone I would like to see on a regular basis and move to Paris, and take a panoramic view of my life, I am fulfilled. If you would have asked me five years ago if I'd be here, I'd have laughed at you. And as improbable as it might have seemed then, it makes perfect sense to me now.
However, I still have emotional ties to my past that I cannot seem to shake. And I don't get that.
If I were still involved with the individuals and situations from my past, I wouldn't be here in this place and in this lifestyle that I do feel at home in. I think back to the first relationship I was ever in. It was far from conventional and very much unlike any relationship I have ever been in since. And when it was ripped from me, I felt like I was torn in half. I spent years trying to feel whole again. That was not an ending I ever foresaw or wanted. And it hit me today as I was driving home, "what if that had never happened? what if it had never ended?" I know without a doubt I would not be here, close to my family, doing a job I love and sharing my life with the person I am. It is hard for me to even imagine what life I would have had that relationship never ended. And when I think about that possibility, I almost laugh, because I know it wasn't for me. Not just because it ended, but because I can logically presume what my life would be like if that relationship had not ended, and that potential life is not one I want. It wasn't then and it sure as hell isn't now.
Skip ahead five years; different relationship, different situation, same ending. And what is different about this particular situation is that, unlike the relationship that preceded it, I know in my heart and in my head, this ending was not only inevitable, but ultimately, the best thing for me. I didn't experience the heartbreak I did back when I was 19 because I always knew that this relationship was temporary. And even though in moments of insecurity disguised as hope (but more ignorance), I thought it could be more, I logically ALWAYS knew there was an expiration date on the entire situation. What bothered me the most about it after the fact, and if I am honest with myself still to this day, is that it happened in a way that I don't think was fair or did any justice to the way I felt at the time or how much of myself I invested in the relationship. I may have known it wouldn't last forever, but that never prevented me from holding back. I gave all of myself to that relationship every single day, and in the end, that is what hurt the most. Because when it ended, that was never acknowledged.
But just like before, I ponder what my life would be like if it had not ended, and I almost shudder. What I am and have now is so much more than what I ever thought I would have or deserve, and imagining staying in that situation then (even if it was my choice) is as preposterous to me as the world ending in December.
But even still, I look back now at all of these emotional scars and am perplexed by the fact that even though I know this is where I am supposed to be, I still care about the past. It's not every day, or even every month; but it is still there, lingering somewhere in my subconscious, that I gave so much of myself to certain people who threw it away like it was nothing, when it was anything but, to me.
How do you really put the past in the past? How do you really understand that heartbreak and disappointment mold who you are as much as success and happiness? Not just understand it, but find comfort in knowing that those mysteries are just...what they are, and find comfort in it? How do you move on from who you were with no closure, and find comfort in where you stand now without answers? Or any hope you will ever receive them?
If you understand it, than you are light years ahead of me.
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