What it means to be a woman...and also 30.

Twelve days ago, I turned 30; it was a "milestone" birthday, and I had an amazing day. My husband, family, and friends did a stellar job of making me feel special and loved on the mark of my third decade on this planet. I am ever-so-grateful for their displays of support and love.

That said, I must confess that the weeks leading up to the big 3-0 were wrought with emotion and dread. My husband would ask me repeatedly, "are you freaking out about turning 30?" I knew the answer was yes, but I couldn't articulate why. 

It wasn't until a week ago that I realized exactly why I was dreading this particular birthday.

I was having an otherwise insignificant weekday when I found out that a friend and colleague was pregnant with her first child-- a child she and her husband have worked and prayed dearly for. And while my attitude, facial expressions, and demeanor played the part of overjoyed and supportive, my heart ached in my chest.

And as soon as the moment was over, I tried to reconcile while my heart did not fall in line with the rest of my body. Why did I feel hurt or sad or what at her absolutely wonderful news; why did I lapse into reflexive fake happiness than authentic happiness?

I've been chewing on this ever since. 

And it hit me yesterday- much with the help of my sister- exactly why I found myself feeling anything other than happy for my friend. And the answer is that it all comes down to the hard reality of being a woman in this world, and all of the subtle pressures that come along with that designation.

We live in a world that suggests that a woman's path should look something like this:

-birth

-school

-college

-career (very cloesely followed by)

-marriage

-children

-raising children

-empty nest

-grandchildren

-old age

-death

Have I let anything out?

The reality of the situation is, there is a natural progression of the course of a life a "typical" woman is supposed to lead, and at this point, I am far behind.

I have felt the weight of this timeline on my shoulders since I was a child. I decided early on- more out of a need to protect myself- that I would never adhere to this kind of timeline or lifestyle because I would never marry (who would've wanted to marry me? I was chubby and didn't sleep around.); except, I DID marry. But I did it much later than most of the people I know.

And here I am, a year into marriage, at the age of 30, and I am not pregnant. That has been as a result of my husband and I's choice, and not because of biology. However, as much as I know that, I still have a knee-jerk reaction of feeling inadequate or behind because I am my age and I am NOT a mother. Logically, I know this is what I have chosen; my emotions are more reticent to understand that notion.

So what am I bitching about? That I chose a path and don't like how it looks or feels by comparison to my friends and acquaintances?

Well. Yes. Exactly that. And if you're scratching your head about what the real issue is here, then you're right where I was a few days ago. And the conclusion I have come to is that the constructs of what it is to be a woman in this world is a difficult rat race, and whether you buy-in or not, it's a race you never signed up for, but one that you absolutely are in.

My mother is 62 years old, and was blessed with grandchildren last March. She was one of the last of a myriad of her friends to be graced with grandchildren. And I know my sister felt the pressure-- at the time, she was the one of us that was married. I wasn't there yet, so I was more incubated from feeling that pressure; but the pressure remained. Even at my mom's age, she was imbued with notions of where one should be at a certain point (with grown children), and she wasn't there yet. And other women in her life let her know it. Regularly. "Where are your grandchildren, Barbara?" The cycle of pressure healthily churns.

Don't get me wrong-- she didn't then, nor has she ever, pressured us to pop out kids to keep up with her friends, but it strikes me now as significant that she was still experiencing female expectancy pressure at her age...after having two children...and keeping her marriage together after 35 years. What is that?!

Does it not bother you?

It bothers me. Profoundly.

And I guess I didn't realize it until I felt inexplicably defensive about the fact that a friend I have prayed for to get pregnant, did so before me. I cannot be alone in these feelings of inadequacy. I know I'm not. But, there it is. That's the ugliness I am willing to claim: I found out she achieved something I haven't even been working towards, and I resented her for it.

So, what does that say about me? Well, maybe i am being too easy on myself, but I am more inclined to believe that it suggests women are under a ridiculous amount of pressure. We have to dress and talk and act a certain way at all times; we have to deliver life milestones on a specific timetable; we have to perform our womanly duties on a suitable standard level; it feels like the constraints on women never end.

So what in the hell is my point?

Essentially, this entire process has taught me to remind myself that even without meaning to keep up to the norms of expectancy, every woman will invariably find them self confronted with those norms at one time or another-- ignore it. Eventually, the ghosts of what you should be doing or what you should've already done will rear their ugly heads-- ignore them. You WILL find yourself behind the curve of achievement, especially (but not intentionally) as it relates to your friends-- ignore it all.

This whole experience opened my eyes to the subtle ways a woman can buy in to what or who or how she should be; I choose not...to all of it.

__________

Here is to living life ON. YOUR. OWN. TERMS.; here is to living by no timeline, feeling no pressure, and audaciously deciding 'normal' for yourself. I celebrate you in your own journey as I hope you pray for me in mine.

Betsy Fouse Townsend

I am at a loss.

When I think and/or write, I let my thoughts slosh around in my head, and invariably wait for whatever missives fall over the rim to anchor what I put in writing. This process serves me well- what makes it out of the jumble of my consciousness is usually easy to form into coherent, cohesive thought.

As I sit here, attempting this very well-worn process, I am coming up empty. Perhaps my brain knows better than my heart that there are no words I can conjure that will do justice to how I feel. Because what I am feeling and thinking is impossible and incredulous and angry and desperate; how do I reconcile an egregious loss with perfunctory rhetoric?

I don't. 

That's it-- I don't.

Today, I found out that a friend of mine passed away at an impossibly young age, when she was both a loyal wife and dedicated mother, with no explanation or justification for her early exit from this life we all share. She is now this person I was friends with-- past tense. She was something; she no longer is anything. She is past tense.

So, here I am, attempting to assign some notion of eloquence or nostalgia to what I know and remember of her. And it isn't enough. Remembering it at all feels trite and prosaic.

So, without further attempts at profundity, I will simply say this--

Betsy Fouse Townsend was a fucking badass. She endured more heartache, distress, injustice, and consequence in 32 years of life than the entire character list of a Stephen King novel-- and she did it better. She did it with more grace, humility, and strength than any other person I have ever known.

At her worst moments, her lowest lows, and her most harrowing moments of despair, she always insisted on dwelling in the positive. She adamantly refused to be the person with a cross to bear or an ax to grind; she regarded her struggles as character building and not a thing more.

So this person, who I witnessed deal with more strife in her 30 years of life than anyone else I have ever known, is now gone from this earth. And I have no idea why- either in literal or spiritual senses. But she is gone, and she leaves in her wake a legacy rife with the best 'stuff' people in this world have to offer. She welcomed me into the camp nursing station with the confidence and moxie of a brain surgeon-- and just as easily shared with me all of the things she did not know to assuage my own palpable lack of confidence.

She showed up to my college campus one weekend to surprise me after a bad week;

She sent me a box of affirmations and inside jokes after a round of brutal finals;

She called me for no other reason than to tell me that she appreciated my kindness-- with no catalyst or prompting; she did it 'just because'.

She called me two weeks ago, and I couldn't make it to the phone. I put a call back to her into my 'reminders'-- I set it for a week from now.

I missed out on her. I missed out on whatever it was she was reaching out to me for two weeks ago. I. Missed. Out. 

She is gone now-- I'll never know what she wanted when she called me that afternoon. That's on me. I missed out on the final conversation I would've had with a personal giant of mine because I took for granted this. life.

I desperately pray that even just one person can learn NOT to make this same kind of mistake-- it's a permanent way to learn that life is short and too many things are impossible to reverse. Don't take life for granted.

Do everything in your power to make sure you're never the person that unintentionally 'misses out'.

If you don't, I assure you it's the lowest feeling you'll ever know...

How many more?

I am a digital media slave. I'll admit it. I frequently update social media, I am constantly checking Twitter and Facebook for updates, and I subscribe to notifications for all of my news and media aps. As a result, I will frequently walk away from my phone and return to find 2817 notifications about things going on. Usually they're inconsequential.

However, yesterday I got a notification from USA Today about a school shooting at a community college in Oregon. It was the top notification on the screen of many, and certainly without meaning to, I found myself having this reaction to the notification: 

USA Today: "School shooting in Oregon leaves 9 confirmed dead; shooter still at large."

Me (in my head): Oh yea. (and then I moved on to the next notification from Twitter)

Oh yea.

OH. YEA.

Oh yea.

THAT was my visceral reaction to the news that a SCHOOL had been terrorized by an active shooter, resulting in the deaths of nine innocent people. Oh yea.

What is wrong with this picture?

I am CONFIDENT that I am not the only person that found that they were completely desensitized to the news that yet another school had been overtaken by a lone gunman. I literally shrugged it away like it was an update on the weather or the score of the Cowboy game. It was that. natural. to find it commonplace.

And as I reflect back on that precise moment, I am embarrassed and aghast that I could be so cavalier in reaction to such a devastation. Because it still IS a devastation. 

On April 20, 1999, Eric Klebold and Dylan Harris murdered 13 people in a school shooting, and the news was dedicated to the coverage of that massacre for DAYS. On October 1, 2015, 10 people are murdered at a community college in Oregon, and the story only receives 3 minutes of coverage in the nightly newscast before the next story is introduced. Not an opinion- a fact. I watched the News 8 broadcast last night THREE TIMES, and the shootings in Oregon never made it past the top story.

Those are facts. That is literally the truth of the media's treatment of this mass murder, devoid of opinion or agenda. WHY, why the change?

Because mass shootings have become less of an anomaly and more of a norm. Since the Newtown, CT shooting (where 26 children/adults were murdered), there have been 74 school shootings in the United States of America. Don't believe me?

#	Date	City, State	School Name	Type	Discharged Firearm	Injured 1+ Person	Killed 1+ Person	Attempted Suicide	Committed Suicide
1.	1/08/2013	Fort Myers, FL	Apostolic Revival Center Christian School	K-12	X	X	X
2.	1/10/2013	Taft, CA	Taft Union High School	K-12	X	X
3.	1/15/2013	St. Louis, MO	Stevens Institute of Business & Arts	College	X	X		X
4.	1/15/2013	Hazard, KY	Hazard Community and Technical College	College	X	X	X
5.	1/16/2013	Chicago, IL	Chicago State University	College	X	X	X
6.	1/22/2013	Houston, TX	Lone Star College North Harris Campus	College	X	X
7.	1/31/2013	Atlanta, GA	Price Middle School	K-12	X	X
8.	2/1/2013	Atlanta, GA	Morehouse College	College	X	X
9.	2/7/2013	Fort Pierce, FL	Indian River St. College	College	X	X
10.	2/13/2013	San Leandro, CA	Hillside Elementary School	K-12	X	X	X
11.	2/27/2013	Atlanta, GA	Henry W. Grady HS	K-12	X	X
12.	3/18/2013	Orlando, FL	University of Central Florida	College	X			X	X
13.	3/21/2013	Southgate, MI	Davidson Middle School	K-12	X			X	X
14.	4/12/2013	Christiansburg, VA	New River Community College	College	X	X
15.	4/13/2013	Elizabeth City, NC	Elizabeth City State University	College	X	X
16.	4/15/2013	Grambling, LA	Grambling State University	College	X	X
17.	4/29/2013	Cincinnati, OH	La Salle High School	K-12	X	X		X
18.	6/7/2013	Santa Monica,CA	Santa Monica College	College	X	X	X
19.	6/19/2013	W. Palm Beach, FL	Alexander W. Dreyfoos School of the Arts	K-12	X	X	X
20.	8/15/2013	Clarksville, TN	Northwest High School	K-12	X	X	X
21.	8/20/2013	Decatur, GA	Ronald E. McNair Discovery Learning Academy	K-12	X
22.	8/22/2013	Memphis, TN	Westside Elementary School	K-12	X
23.	8/23/2013	Sardis, MS	North Panola High School	K-12	X	X	X
24.	8/30/2013	Winston-Salem, NC	Carver High School	K-12	X	X
25.	9/21/2013	Savannah, GA	Savannah State University	College	X	X	X
26.	9/28/2013	Gray, ME	New Gloucester High School	K-12	X			X	X
27.	10/4/2013	Pine Hills, FL	Agape Christian Academy	K-12	X	X
28.	10/15/2013	Austin, TX	Lanier High School	K-12	X			X	X
29.	10/21/2013	Sparks, NV	Sparks Middle School	K-12	X	X	X	X	X
30.	11/1/2013	Algona, IA	Algona High/Middle School	K-12	X			X	X
31.	11/2/2013	Greensboro, NC	North Carolina A&T State University	College	X	X
32.	11/3/2013	Stone Mountain, GA	Stephenson High School	K-12	X	X
33.	11/21/2013	Rapid City, SD	South Dakota School of Mines & Technology	College	X			X	X
34.	12/4/2013	Winter Garden, FL	West Orange High School	K-12	X	X
35.	12/13/2013	Arapahoe County, CO	Arapahoe High School	K-12	X	X	X	X	X
36.	12/19/2013	Fresno, CA	Edison High School	K-12	X	X
37.	1/9/2014	Jackson, TN	Liberty Technology Magnet HS	K-12	X	X
38.	1/14/2014	Roswell, NM	Berrendo Middle School	K-12	X	X
39.	1/15/2014	Lancaster, PA	Martin Luther King Jr. ES	K-12	X
40.	1/17/2014	Philadelphia, PA	Delaware Valley Charter HS	K-12	X	X
41.	1/20/2014	Chester, PA	Widener University	College	X	X
42.	1/21/2014	West Lafayette, IN	Purdue University	College	X	X	X
43.	1/24/2014	Orangeburg, SC	South Carolina State University	College	X	X	X
44.	1/28/2014	Nashville, TN	Tennessee State University	College	X	X
45.	1/28/2014	Grambling, LA	Grambling State University	College	X	X
46.	1/31/2014	Phoenix, AZ	Cesar Chavez High School	K-12	X
47.	1/31/2014	Des Moines, IA	North High School	K-12	X	X
48.	2/7/2014	Bend, OR	Bend High School	K-12	X			X	X
49.	2/10/2014	Salisbury, NC	Salisbury High School	K-12	X	X
50.	2/11/2014	Lyndhurst, OH	Brush High School	K-12	X
51.	2/12/2014	Jackson, TN	Union University	College	X	X
52.	2/20/2014	Raytown, MO	Raytown Success Academy	K-12	X	X	X
53.	3/2/2014	Westminster, MD	McDaniel College	College	X
54.	3/7/2014	Tallulah, LA	Madison High School	K-12	X	X
55.	3/8/2014	Oshkosh, WI	University of Wisconsin – Oshkosh	College	X
56.	3/21/2014	Newark, DE	University of Delaware	College	X
57.	3/30/2014	Savannah, GA	Savannah State University	College	X
58.	4/3/2014	Kent, OH	Kent State University	College	X
59.	4/11/2014	Detroit, MI	East English Village Preparatory Academy	K-12	X	X	X
60.	4/16/2014	Tuscaloosa, AL	Stillman College	College	X	X
61.	4/21/2014	Griffith, IN	St. Mary Catholic School	K-12	X	X	X
62.	4/21/2014	Provo, UT	Provo High School	K-12	X			X
63.	4/16/2014	Council Bluffs, IA	Iowa Western Community College	College	X	X
64.	5/2/2014	Milwaukee, WI	Marquette University	College	X	X
65.	5/3/2014	Everett, WA	Horizon Elementary School	K-12	X	X
66.	5/4/2014	Augusta, GA	Paine College	College	X	X
67.	5/5/2014	Augusta, GA	Paine College	College	X	X
68.	5/8/2014	Georgetown, KY	Georgetown College	College	X	X
69.	5/8/2014	Lawrenceville, GA	Georgia Gwinnett College	College	X	X		X
70.	5/21/2014	Milwaukee, WI	Clark Street School	K-12	X	X	X
71.	6/5/2014	Seattle, WA	Seattle Pacific University	College	X	X	X
72.	6/10/2014	Troutdale, OR	Reynolds High School	K-12	X	X	X	X	X
73.	6/23/2014	Benton, MO	Kelly High School	K-12	X	X	X
74.	6/27/2014	Miami, FL	University of Miami	College	X
75.	8/13/2014	Fredrick, MD	Heather Ridge High School	K-12	X
76.	8/14/2014	Newport News, VA	Saunders Elementary	K-12	X	X	X
77.	9/2/2014	Pocatello, ID	Idaho State University	College	X	X
78.	9/5/2014	Savannah, GA	Savannah State University	College	X	X
79.	9/10/2014	Lake Mary, FL	Greenwood Lakes Middle School	K-12	X			X	X
80.	9/11/2014	Taylorsville, UT	Westbrook Elementary School	K-12	X	X
81.	9/24/2014	San Antonio, TX	Joel C. Harris Academy	K-12	X
82.	9/27/2014	Nashville, TN	Tennessee State University	College	X	X
83.	9/29/2014	Terre Haute, IN	Indiana State University	College	X	X
84.	9/30/2014	Albermarle, NC	Albermarle High School	K-12	X	X
85.	9/30/2014	Louisville, KY	Fern Creek High School	K-12	X	X
86.	10/3/2014	Fairburn, GA	Langston Hughes High School	K-12	X	X	X
87.	10/8/2014	Elizabeth City, NC	Elizabeth City State University	College	X
88.	10/13/2014	Nashville, TN	Tennessee State University	College	X
89.	10/18/2014	Langston, OK	Langston University	College	X	X
90.	10/21/2014	Memphis, TN	A. Maceo Walker Middle School	K-12	X	X
91.	10/24/2014	Marysville, WA	Marysville-Pilchuck High School	K-12	X	X	X	X	X
92.	11/3/2014	Dover, DE	Delaware State University	College	X	X
93.	11/20/2014	Tallahassee, FL	Florida State University	College	X	X
94.	11/23/2014	Annapolis, MD	St. John’s College	College	X	X
95.	12/5/2014	Claremore, OK	Rogers State University	College	X			X	X
96.	12/16/2014	Pittsburgh, PA	Sunnyside Elementary School	K-12	X	X	X
97.	12/17/2014	Waterville, ME	Benton Elementary School	K-12	X			X	X
98.	1/15/2015	Milwaukee, WI	Wisconsin Lutheran High School	K-12	X	X
99.	1/16/2015	Ocala, FL	Vanguard High School	K-12	X	X
100.	1/20/2015	Mobile, AL	Williamson High School	K-12	X	X
101.	1/23/2015	Hardeeville, SC	Royal Live Oaks Academy	K-12	X
102.	1/26/2015	Roseville, MN	Hand in Hand Christian Montessori School	K-12	X			X	X
103.	2/2/2015	Mankato, MN	Minnesota State University	College	X			X	X
104.	2/4/2015	Frederick, MD	Frederick High School	K-12	X	X
105.	2/5/2015	Columbia, SC	University of South Carolina	College	X	X	X	X	X
106.	2/15/2015	Athens, GA	University of Georgia	College	X
107.	2/15/2015	Little Rock, AR	Lawson Elementary School	K-12	X	X
108.	2/15/2015	Merced, CA	Tenaya Middle School	K-12	X	X	X
109.	2/23/2015	Daytona Beach, FL	Bethune-Cookman University	College	X	X
110.	3/9/2015	Coon Rapids, MN	Northwest Passage Alternative High School	K-12	X			X	X
111.	3/30/2015	Springfield, MA	American International College	College	X
112.	4/2/2015	Beaver Falls, PA	Community College of Beaver County	College	X	X
113.	4/2/2015	Jackson, TN	Lane College	College	X	X
114.	4/4/2015	Everett, WA	Everett Community College	College	X
115.	4/13/2015	Goldsboro, NC	Wayne Community College	College	X	X	X
116.	4/17/2015	Seguin, TX	Seguin High School	K-12	X			X	X
117.	4/19/2015	Charlotte, NC	Johnson C. Smith University	College	X	X
118.	4/22/2015	Las Vegas, NV	Ruthe Deskin Elementary School	K-12	X
119.	4/27/2015	Lacey, WA	North Thurston High School	K-12	X
120.	5/4/2015	Cleveland, OH	Willow Elementary School	K-12	X	X	X
121.	5/5/2015	Conyers, GA	Conyers Middle School	K-12	X
122.	5/12/2015	Tempe, AZ	Corona del Sol High School	K-12	X			X	X
123.	5/20/2015	Robinson, TX	Robinson High School	K-12	X			X	X
124.	5/24/2015	Flint, MI	Flint Southwestern Classical Academy	K-12	X	X
125.	5/27/2015	Everglades City, FL	Everglades City School	K-12	X	X
126.	6/4/2015	Franklin, NC	South Macon Elementary School	K-12	X
127.	6/23/2015	Fort Calhoun, NE	Fort Calhoun Elementary School	K-12	X
128.	7/5/2015	Dallas, TX	Coppell Middle School East	K-12	X	X
129.	7/24/2015	Converse, TX	Elolf Elementary School	K-12	X	X	X
130.	7/27/2015	Gainesville, FL	University of Florida – Gainesville	College	X
131.	8/8/2015	Wichita, KS	Wichita State University	College	X	X	X
132.	8/8/2015	Paradise, TX	Paradise High School	K-12	X
133.	8/23/2015	Richmond, TX	William Velasquez Elementary	K-12	X
134.	8/25/2015	Augusta, GA	Hornsby Elementary School	K-12	X	X
135.	8/27/2015	Savannah, GA	Savannah State University	College	X	X	X
136.	9/3/2015	Sacramento, CA	Sacramento City College	College	X	X	X
137.	9/11/2015	Lafayette, LA	Northside High School	K-12	X	X
138.	9/14/2015	Cleveland, MS	Delta State University	College	X	X	X
139.	9/22/2015	Statesville, NC	Central Elementary School	K-12	X	X
140.	9/28/2015	Butte, MT	Montana Tech of the University of Montana	College	X
141.	9/30/2015	Harrisburg, SD	Harrisburg High School	K-12	X	X
142.	10/1/2015	Roseburg, OR	Umpqua Community College	College	X	X	X

There it is. In black and white. THIS is the new normal in America. THIS is what we can expect to see monopolizing our newsfeeds and notifications. THIS is what we have decided freedom is more worth than human life. 

Our citizenry would rather approve the open carry of firearms on school grounds (presumably for teachers to "arm themselves") than limit, or simply elongate, the process of acquiring firearms to qualified citizens. That is the truth about the value of human life to the majority of citizens in the United States of America.

Ultimately, though, I am not proposing a solution. I cannot fathom one that would make all parties happy. I don't know if such a solution even exists. However, anyone that argues that mass shootings aren't an epidemic in this country is wrong. Anyone that suggests our gun laws have nothing to do with the frequency of mass shootings is wrong. Anyone that would argue that criminals that acquire guns illegally are the only ones that use them in violence against hordes of innocents IS WRONG. These are facts. This is what the new normal IS in America; it's TRUTH.

So what (you may be wondering)? 

Well, I am an educator. And it is a NEW NORMAL for me to consider what the consequences could possibly be when I discipline a student or hand over a less than desirable grade. I worry about my fate in my classroom MORE than I worry about my fate in any other scenario. Not an opinion; a fact. I mentally isolate kids in my mind that I could potentially see committing one of these atrocities because the reality of my homeland makes it impossible for me not to.

So, rather than making an emotional or political plea, I am sticking with facts. This is the truth of gun violence in our country. We are the number one, most developed country in the world-- we also happen to have the highest rate of death by gun violence than any other country in the world. 

Is it a coincidence that these kinds of "vigilante" or "mercenary" murderers strike in America? That answer can only be inferred by fact. And that fact is that for every foreign school shooting since 2000, there have been at LEAST 5 American school shootings. That is a fact. Is that a coincidence?

No. It isn't. What differentiates the USA from almost all other foreign countries in this respect is ease and accessibility of acquiring firearms. Again-- fact, not opinion. 

Let me be perfectly clear-- I am not suggesting school shootings do not happen in other countries-- they do. I am not suggesting that death by gun violence does not happen in other countries-- they do. What I am suggesting is that the frequency of these crimes is far less in all other developed countries; the only difference there being their gun laws by comparison to ours in the United States.

Let me be unequivocally clear- I support the Constitution and I support the 2nd Amendment. My husband, my father, my sister and brother-in-law, my best friend, my MOTHER-IN-LAW, all own guns. I am not suggesting that responsible gun ownership is the issue. I fully support the right of any QUALIFIED and HEALTHY American citizen owning a gun.

That isn't the problem. None of these mass shootings have been committed by a responsible gun owner; these murders have been committed- not by criminals- but by citizens who have learned how to exploit the weaknesses of our firearm screening process. That is the crux of the issue.

When is enough, enough? HOW. MANY. MORE. people have to die before we all collectively agree that the inconvenience to responsible gun owners is WORTH the life and safety of the innocents in our country? 

At this point, I feel like even my death by school shooting wouldn't be enough. When WILL anything be enough? How many more people need to die before we take this VERY REAL problem seriously??

How. Many. More.